


The Snake or The Stag

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance, young adult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1419292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily's fifth year is going great. Everything is happening just like she wanted it too.<br/>Hogsmeade with Severus: Check<br/>Admit real feelings for him: In Progress<br/>Develop feelings for Potter: <i>Wait, what?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Note

She walked through the corridor at a slow pace, even though she was late for class. Had anyone been around to see her, they would have been shocked. _Her_ , not rushing to class. She, a prefect, and top of the year, not bothering to even try to get there as soon as possible? It was unheard of. After all, Lily Evans was never late for class.

This day was different. Lily couldn't be bothered to really try because of what had transpired at breakfast that morning. She couldn't believe he had asked her to Hogsmeade. The thought made her smile. She hadn't realized she'd been waiting for him to ask, but when he had, it was like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders.

October thirteenth, the next day, Lily would be going to Hogsmeade with _him_. She could never tell if his feelings for her were the same as hers were for him, but she desperately hoped so. Lily hoped – almost beyond hope – that he would lay awake at night thinking of her, just as thoughts of him kept her awake.

Lily worried about him, that was true. She knew what her friends said about him; how he was getting close to those who had family on the wrong side of the war; how they saw him taunting the younger students, coming very close to....

No, Lily wouldn't believe it. After all, she was just like the people they said he did those things to, and he was her best friend. Severus would never harm or belittle anyone based on their blood status, Lily knew it.

Besides, now wasn't the time to be thinking these things. Now was the time to be happy. She held in a sigh as she pushed open the door to the Charms class. "I'm sorry Professor, I lost track of time."

Professor Flitwick smiled at her. "That is quite all right Miss Evans. If you'll take a seat...." he trailed off, gesturing to her normal seat in the front of class.

She sat next to her other best friend, Dorcas Meadows. Dorcas slid the notes she'd already taken over to Lily.

"'Bout time, what were you doing?"

"Nothing," Lily whispered, flushing slightly. Dorcas had already turned her attention back to Flitwick and didn't notice. Before Lily could go back to day dreaming about what may happen during the Hogsmeade trip, a note landed in front of her. She turned and scowled when she saw James Potter grin at her.

Lily had nothing against Potter personally, they normally didn't interact at all. He was just such a rule-breaker. He and his friends were always up to something, and the expression on his face now was the same one he wore when they pulled their pranks.

Lily really shouldn't open the note, who knew what it could be. She glanced down at it and pushed it to the side. No, she wouldn't open it. She scribbled down some notes, listening intently to what Flitwick was saying, but the note was still in her line of vision.

Suppressing a sigh and resigning herself to her fate, she opened the note.

Lily scanned it quickly, her eyebrows shooting up as she did.

_Evans,_

_I know we really don't talk much, but I really like you and I think I have for a long time. Ever since you accidentally turned me into a toe-rag in transfiguration last term, actually. I was wondering if you would go to Hogsmeade with me. Please?_

_Circle one:_

_Yes No_

Lily nearly giggled. She remembered these from primary school, before she discovered she was a witch. She thought for a moment of what Hogsmeade with Potter would entail. Probably the new Zonko's joke shop that had been put in at the start of last year and maybe a Butterbeer. She didn't see Potter as the romantic type.

Not that she really saw Severus that way either, but he had asked first. Besides, Lily didn't really think of Potter much at all and certainly wouldn't go on a date with him at the moment. She did need to at least know someone first.

Lily circled the no answer, but added a note of her own.

_Potter,_

_I might have said yes, but I don't know you at all. We've barely talked at all since second year. I did apologize for the toe-rag incident. And I already have plans for this Hogsmeade weekend. Sorry._

_Evans_

Lily did snort when she realized she and Potter weren't even on a first name basis. She flicked the note back to him, using her wand for accuracy. Dorcas, who hadn't missed the snort, looked over at her.

"What was that about?" she asked, eyes glittering. Dorcas liked James's friend Remus, though she wouldn't tell him.

"After class," Lily whispered back and began taking notes.

After Charms was Herbology, where they were again wearing the earmuffs from second year. Lily managed to get stuck with a frilly pink pair, but she didn't mind. Professor Night was probably tired of wearing them, after all. But that meant that she hadn't had time to tell Dorcas all about Severus asking her to Hogsmeade and James's note until lunch.

"Okay Lily, tell me," Dorcas said once they had managed to sit down and get their sandwiches. Lily smiled. This was why she loved her best friend. There wasn't the crazy giddiness their other roommate had when faced with news about boys.

"Well, you know how Severus asked me to talk for a moment after breakfast," she said casually. Dorcas frowned, but nodded. She didn't like Severus, but she wouldn't say anything against him so long as he was Lily's friend. "Well, he asked me to Hogsmeade tomorrow."

Dorcas smiled. "Kept you waiting long enough didn't he?" she asked. Lily shook her head.

"You've had a crush on him forever, Lily. It was obvious." Giggling at Lily's worried look, Dorcas added, "To me, anyway."

Relieved, Lily continued. "And then in Charms, Potter sent me a note. You know, those ones like we would get in primary school…or, actually, I guess you don't," she said. "It basically said he liked me, and asked if I liked him and would go to Hogsmeade with him tomorrow."

"And you said no," Dorcas filled in.

"Of course, but it was funny, in a way. He had put yes and no at the bottom for me to circle one." The pair looked over at the boys sitting half-way down the table. They suddenly busted out laughing. Dorcas sighed.

"He doesn't even know I exist," she said.

"Oh please, don't start that. Eva does it enough."

At that, both girls started laughing. Lily glanced over at the group of boys again, though. She felt a little bad about it, but she knew Remus liked Dorcas. He told her when they were patrolling one night. Lily just wasn't sure how Dorcas would feel if she knew his secret.

Lily had confronted him about it a week before the first full moon of the term. It had been casual, but she could tell he had been a little frightened.

_"So, Remus, I guess you won't be here for a few of our rounds next week, will you?"_

_She glanced over at him in time to see him visibly pale, which was a feat for him._

_"Wh-what do you mean?"_

_"You can be honest with me. I'm sorry. I really am. I just—I thought I knew in third year, when we studied werewolves, but I couldn't be sure. I'm still not, to be honest, but the evidence all adds up."_

_"Third year," Remus said quietly, almost to himself. "That long?"_

_Lily simply nodded. "I won't tell. I think you're a great guy. It doesn't bother me." She gave him a small reassuring smile. "After all, we all have demons we have to face. It's just that people can see yours, and though you can't help it, they judge you for it."_

_He had just stared at her for a few moments. "Remus?" she finally questioned._

_He swallowed. "Thank you, Lily," he said, his voice a little gruff. "You don't know what that means to me."_

They had gotten closer after that, and she counted him among her friends. Dorcas had been raised differently than Lily had. She was a half-blood, but the last muggle-born in her family had been back in the early 1900s. As such, she had been raised with many of the prejudices wizards had, including werewolves. It wasn't that she had said anything about them, but Lily didn't want to take that risk.

"I just—I know it's silly, but I want him to at least give me a second look, you know?" Dorcas looked at Lily, her brow furrowed. "I should probably just give up, but I don't want to."

"Remus has a lot on his mind. You know how it is, with his family not being every well off and all the medical problems they have; he probably has enough on his mind without the added thoughts of girls."

"Yeah,” Dorcas sighed.

It wasn't like her friend at all to do this. Normally, she was the upfront-get-things-done type. Regretting it the minute the words left her mouth, Lily told her friend to talk to Remus instead of waiting on him to do the talking.

The lunch bell rang then and Dorcas went to Muggle Studies while Lily went to Ancient Runes. Remus caught up to her about the time she walked through the door. He was the only one out of their group to take this class. The other three had divination.

"I'm sorry Remus," she said the instant their eyes met. Lily sensed his guard raise.

His voice was soft when he spoke. "Sorry for what?"

"Dorcas keeps going on about you," Lily started, causing a smile to spring to his lips. "I told her-" she stopped, unsure of how to say it. Remus's eyebrows rose to his hairline. "No, not that," she said, and he relaxed a little. "I told her that she should sort of take charge and talk to you."

He completely relaxed at the sound of this. "Is that all?" he asked. "That's fine. I've been trying to work up the courage to talk to her anyway."

"But what if she finds out? I don't really know how she feels about your…furry little problem." She had heard Potter use that before.

Remus smiled. "It's fine, Lily. I should actually thank you."

Lily smiled back at him. At least he wasn't angry with her. Hearing someone else enter the class, she looked around and saw Severus. He smiled at her before glancing at Remus. He didn't like that she was his partner in this class, but she and Remus got along well and Severus sat with Avery.

"Remus, did you know Potter asked me to Hogsmeade?"

"I did," he said. "You should call him James, you know. He was really disappointed you said no."

"We aren't even on a first name basis," she said, though it didn't seem as strong a reason now as it had a few hours ago. "He addressed it to Evans."

"I know, but he really does like you. He just doesn't know how to show it." Remus paused for a second before asking whom she was going with.

"Oh, umm," she blushed. "Severus. He asked this morning."

"Oh, well, I suppose I'll tell James I didn't ask. He and Severus have a certain…umm...."

"Hatred?" Lily offered with a laugh. "I don't know why they hate each other so much."

"I don't either," Remus admitted. Just as he was about to say something else, the Professor walked into the room, effectively stopping all conversation.

Later that night, as Lily slid between the crimson sheets of her four-poster bed, she thought of the conversation she and Remus had had. Why did Severus and James hate each other so much? She would get to the bottom of it.

After tomorrow.

Grinning, Lily again began day dreaming about Hogsmeade with Severus, which soon turned into real dreams as she drifted to sleep.


	2. II: Hogsmead

"Hurry up Eva!" Lily called though the closed door of the bathroom, banging on it as if it would make the other girl go faster. "There are three more of us out here!" With one final bang on the door, she groaned and flopped down on her bed.

Scarlett giggled. "I've never saw you in such a rush to get to Hogsmeade Lily. What happened, did you get a date?"

"No," Lily mumbled. Sure, she had told Dorcas and Remus, but she trusted them not to tell anyone else. Severus had said he didn't want anyone knowing for the time being and Lily had agreed. She knew it wasn't for the wrong reason, like he was cheating on someone with her, so she didn't see the harm in it. "Just going with Sev," she said.

"Oh," Scarlett said, "never mind then." A smile crept onto Lily's face as she counted down in her head. _Five, four, three, two_ —"Why are you friends with him, anyway?" _So close!_

"He isn't what you think. He really isn't. He's a nice bloke if people will give him a chance." Lily glanced over at Dorcas, looking for support. Barely noticeable, Dorcas shook her head. "Don't worry about it though, okay? I'm not going to ask him to hang around you guys anytime soon."

Eva chose that time to come out of the washroom. "Finally," Lily cried as she rushed into the room and slammed the door shut. She showered quickly and was out of the room in less than thirty minutes, make up applied, and hair bushed. "Dorcas," Lily said as she slipped on her shoes. She looked around, but Eva and Scarlett had already left. "You don't think I'm wrong in doing this, do you?" She bit her lip, looking at her best friend. She still had twenty minutes before she had to meet Severus.

Dorcas sighed. "I think you should do what makes you happy, not go by what I think."

"But—"

"Yes, I do. I think this is a huge mistake, but you like him, and you have for a very long time. Go and have fun. I have to find Marcus, and maybe we could meet up down there later?"

"You know how Marcus feels about Sev. It wouldn't turn out right." Lily grinned. "Maybe if you didn't hang around your little brother all the time, Remus would notice you more."

"Shut up!" Dorcas mumbled, blushing slightly. Lily grinned even more. It was the one sensitive subject Dorcas had.

"Fine then, I'll just be on my way." Dorcas silently walked with Lily down to the Great Hall to meet her younger brother. Lily didn't see Severus anywhere, and looked over at Dorcas.

"He'll be here Lils. He's just a little late."

A rather short boy with curly hair came up to them, grinning. "Dorcas?"

"Yes?" she said. When he said nothing, instead opting to study his shoes, she shook her head. "Spit it out, Marcus. What is it?"

"I kinda asked Nancy to go to Hogsmeade with me." His head snapped up. "You don't mind, do you? I know Hogsmeade is where we hang out and catch up and stuff, but I really like her and—"

"Go Marcus. Have fun," she said, pushing him away playfully.

Grinning again, he walked over to a blonde girl who appeared to be waiting on him.

"You can hang out with us," Lily offered her friend.

"No thanks. I don't want to be a third wheel."

They stood there and waited for a few more moments before Severus emerged from the dungeon. "Sorry I’m late," he said, glancing over at Dorcas with apparent annoyance. "Shall we?" He motioned for her to go ahead of him. Lily smiled shyly at him and started walking. She was forced to stop, however, when two people ran past her.

"Give it back, Sirius. I mean it! Give it to me!"

"Never! It shall be mine!"

"Sirius!"

Remus and Peter came walking after their friends, laughing. Lily glanced at Dorcas, whishing she knew how her friend would react before she encouraged her to peruse Remus.

But it seemed Dorcas didn't need encouragement this time. "What's Sirius done now?" she asked as the other two boys walked past.

Remus stopped in front of her, still chuckling. "He—took James'—James is going to kill him."

Looking both amused and confused, Dorcas asked again. "What's Sirius done?"

Only smiling now, Remus shook his head. "It's complicated. But we better go save Sirius. I'll see you around." With that, he and Peter started walking again.

Severus huffed. "Show offs." He glanced over at Lily before turning to look at her. "Well, now that the show is out of the way, shall we go now?"

She grinned. "Yes, we shall." She glanced back at Dorcas, who waved her on with an encouraging smile. "So Sev, what are we doing today?"

"Just going to Hogsmeade. Just like always."

"Oh," she said, trying not to let the disappointment come through. If it wasn't going to be any different, why had he asked?

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"No Sev," she said, smiling over at him. She looked at him. He seemed to have tried fixing his hair, and it appeared to be less oily than normal. He was also wearing what she knew to be his best clothes. He was at least trying. She should be happy. 

"Was there something you were wanting to do?" he asked. Again she said no. They continued to Hogsmeade in silence, both simply happy to be there with the other.

Of course, the simple pleasure couldn't last forever. Nearly the instant they arrived in the all-wizard town, she ran into Potter. Or rather, he ran into her. She looked up from the ground at his worried face. "Oh Merlin, Evans, I'm sorry." He reached down and helped her up. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she mumbled absentmindedly. Where was Severus? She saw him, behind the other four boys. It seemed they had pushed him out of the way to help her. "Thanks," she said, flashing a small smile at the group before moving between them to Severus.

Before she could reach him, Potter took her arm. "Are you sure? I really didn't mean to run into you. I wasn't looking where I was going. I guess I should probably do that more, shouldn't I? I really am sorry Ev-Lily."

She looked at him curiously before glancing at Remus to see him blush. So he had told Potter her excuse for not saying yes. She smiled politely. "That's quite alright Potter." She removed her arm from his hand and left him staring after her.

Severus was angry, she could tell. He wouldn't say anything right now. She knew enough from being with him in the summer that he waited for her to leave before letting his anger explode. "They shouldn't have done that," she said for him. "Pushing you away like that." She felt him relax beside her.

"The only thing that matters is that you're okay," he said. "Want to go to The Three Broomsticks?"

Lily nodded, and they walked into the crowded pub. Severus ordered two cold butterbeers after they found a small table to themselves. There was a slightly awkward silence as they waited for their drinks to come. Severus kept smiling at her, and as much as she liked it, it also made her feel a little strange. He kept looking around too, as if afraid someone would see him with her.

She was relieved when their drinks came. They both took a sip of their drinks, and Lily grinned. "Thanks for asking me here."

"Of course. I have no one better to ask."

She laughed. She thought back to Potters note. "You know, I was asked by someone else."

"Really? Who?" Severus asked. His tone sounded a little defensive, but she ignored it.

"Potter, of all people."

"Potter?" He spat the name out, as if it didn't taste good.

"What do you have against him?" Lily asked.

"He tourtures me. He's a horrid person." A muscle in Severus' face started to jump. It seemed Lily had hit a nerve that ran deep.

"He's not that bad, really. If you give him a chance."

"It isn't _me_ that's not giving _him_ a chance."

Seeing that this probably wasn't the best conversation for a first date, and not knowing why she'd brought it up in the first place, she changed topics. "O.W.L.s this year. It's going to be though."

Severus relaxed a little. "Not for you. You're the top of the class."

"You're right behind me."

Severus smiled. This was better, Lily thought. More normal.

After The Three Broomsticks, they walked around the streets of Hogsmeade, unsure of what to do. It was a nice fall day though, so they sat on a bench and just talked. Talked of inconsequential things like the Halloween feast and homework assignments.

After a while of doing that, they decided to go back to the school. It was probably nearing dinner by then, and a day in Hogsmeade made everyone hungry. So they separated at the Entrance Hall. Severus went back to the Slytherin dorms under the lake, and Lily back to Gryffindor Tower.

She waved at Eva and Scarlett, who were in the common room, before rushing up the stairs to the dorm. Dorcas was waiting on her, as she expected.

"How was the date?" she asked with a grin.

Lily fell back onto Dorcas' bed. "It was sorta normal. A bit boring."

"Boring? Lily, dates aren't suppose to be boring."

"I know," she groaned, putting her hands over her face. "It isn't his fault."

"So he was boring?" Dorcas asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, he just…it was a normal Hogsmeade trip! I mean, it was pointless to have asked me. Other than the fact that he paid for my butter beer, everything was just as it always is!" Lily sighed.

"Well, look at it this way, it can only improve."

Lily laughed. "I guess so." She sat up and looked over at her friend. "So, tell me, what happened between you and mister Lupin today?"

"Nothing," Dorcas said, her expression unfazed.

"Right. You talked to him!"

"I talk to him all the time." Dorcas exclaimed. "It's not a big deal."

"It wasn't about a class assignment. So yes, it was a big deal."

"Whatever. Let's just do to dinner."

On the way down, Lily told Dorcas exactly what had happened on the date with Severus, and Dorcas agreed, it had been boring. Entering the Great Hall, Marcus waved at the two girls from the Ravenclaw table, holding hands with the blonde from that morning.

Dorcas and Lily sat at the end of the table, because people normally grouped in the middle and Lily wanted to see Severus. He would never come to the Gryffindor table, and she wouldn't go to the Slytherin table, so this was as close as they would ever get to eating with each other. It was silly, Lily knew that. Dorcas only put up with it because she knew Lily would do the same were their roles reversed.

Only today, Severus wasn't sitting on the end. He was sitting about a fourth of the way down the table, listening intently to something Nott and a few older Slytherins were saying. Feeling a little let down at that, Lily ate her stew slowly. She was about half-way done when the four fifth-year boys walked into the Entrance Hall.

"Hi Evans," Potter said with a smile as he walked past. "Meadows."

They sat not far from the two girls. Lily looked over at her friend, an idea forming in her head. "Dorcas, let's go sit with them."

"What?" Dorcas said, looking at Lily like she was crazy. They had sat in this spot, because Lily could see Severus, since the beginning of the year.

"Come on," Lily said, already up and moving, forcing Dorcas to follow. They sat down next to the boys, who all looked up slightly shocked. "Remus, Black, Potter, Pettigrew."

"Hi Lily, Dorcas," Remus replied.

The other three mumbled welcomes as well. Lily went back to eating her stew, as did Dorcas. But Black seemed to not understand what was happening.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

Lily looked up from her bowl. "Eating. You know, that thing that's essential to survive."

He looked lost. "But…why here?"

"Why not?" Dorcas said.

"I, well, I just…" Sirius was lost for words. "You two never eat with anyone!" A smug smile crept onto Sirius' face. "I understand. I'm irresistible."

The girls snorted at the same time. "Please Black, don't make me choke. Who would want someone who's been with at least half of Hogwarts?"

"You," he answered simply.

"Right, me," Dorcas said, rolling her eyes.

"Told you so."

That really got Dorcas riled up, though in a playful way, and she and Sirius continued. Peter and Remus watched the argument, but Lily caught James staring at her. "Is there something on my face?" she asked, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

"No. I just—" Potter sighed. "You turned me down for Snivellus."

"I didn't turn you down for him. We don't talk. I don't know you."

Potter still looked a little hurt. "That's the point of a date, though, isn't it? To get to know someone?"

That made Lily feel guilty. She didn't understand why. She had agreed to go with Snape first, hadn't she? Even he wanted it to be a secret.

"It's not like I was on a date with him. He just asked me to go," Lily said.

Potter shook his head. "So you guys aren't dating?"

Lily shook her head. It was a lie. Severus had made it clear that he wanted her to be his steady girlfriend. He just didn't want anyone to know. She wanted to know why, now. He'd been acting so strange all year. And she felt so guilty for lying to Potter, when he'd done nothing to merit it.

"You're sure?"

"No, I'm not dating Severus!" she exclaimed. It just so happened that that was one of those moments when an entire group of people suddenly go quite, so her voice rang out over the students. Her face blushing fiercely, she looked over at Severus, but she couldn't read his expression.

As the babble picked up, Potter smiled. "Date me then."

"No," she said. "Not right now Potter. Please just…not right now."

He looked confused and hurt, but nodded anyway. "Alright. I won't bother you about anymore."

"Potter, I just can't right now. It isn't you, I promise." Lily looked down at her half eaten stew, not hungry anymore. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay Evans. I understand."

After a small pause, Lily stood. "I have homework I need to do. I'll see you guys later." She directed the last part at Dorcas. She wanted to be alone right for a while. She walked out of the Great Hall and wondered the halls.

It wasn't too long before she heard someone behind her. She turned to see Severus. "I'm sorry Sev, but you did say you wanted to keep it a secret. I can't say yes and it be a secret."

"I'm not angry," he said with a smile. He pulled her over against the wall. "We can't let anyone know for now. Hopefully we'll be able to share the news soon, but for now we can't." He glanced around and seeking what he was looking for, smiled. Taking her hand, he led her to a hidden passageway. The lighting was dim, but she could still make out his smile. "I'm just glad you agreed." His hand brushed down the side of her face, and she closed her eyes for a second. "You're beautiful," he whispered.

She opened her eyes. "Potter seems to want me to date him, but I told him no."

Severus' face darkened. "Why is he so interested in you all of a sudden?"

"For the same reason you are probably. I told him I just didn't want to date for now, and he dropped it. Just try not to let it bother you. I shouldn't have even said it."

Severus sighed. "No, you should be able to tell me anything." He looked at her, smiling again. "I'm glad you said yes too, Lily."

Then they heard someone coming. He walked out of the passage while she ran as quietly as possible to Gryffindor Tower.


	3. Like a Brother

True to his word, Potter didn't say anything else about going on a date to Lily. He did talk to her more and ask her questions about herself. She knew he was trying to get to know her, like she had said he needed to. The guilt kept building. She didn't mean to lead him on like she was. She just couldn't tell him she was already taken.  
  
She was getting tired of sneaking around to be with Severus, however. As much as she liked him, she was starting to think if they couldn't come out with their relationship soon, she would have to end it. The thought hurt her, but she wanted to be able to hold his hand while walking to class or hug him at breakfast in the morning.  
  
She looked around the dark classroom. She was suppose to meet Severus here today. It had been months since they had started their secret relationship. It was almost time for Christmas break.  _I'll tell him today,_  she thought.  _I'll tell him I can't take sneaking around. Either we're official, or we're through._  
  
She's pulled  from her thoughts when the door slowly creaks open. "Lily, are you here?" she hears Severus whisper.  
  
"Yes, I'm here."  
  
He fully walks into the room now, smiling. "I'm sorry, I had a hard time getting away from Avery. He kept questioning where I was going." He walked over to her and copied her stance, leaning against the desk. "You look beautiful today."  
  
The phrase didn't faze her, as it had when they had started. He told her this every day. It simply became part of the routine.  "Thanks," she said, staring at the back wall.  
  
Severus' brow furrowed. "Is something wrong?" His hand trailed down her face. Before she could stop them, her eyes fluttered shut. That he didn't do often. "I wanted to ask you something," he said.  
  
She opened her eyes and looked at him. "What is it?" she said gently.  
  
"Will you stay here for Christmas?"  
  
She looked at him. Stay here for Christmas? He knew what Christmas meant to her family. Her parents didn't like that she was away for most of the year. They had never intended for her to go to a boarding school, and they spent all the time they could together when she was home. "No. I need to see my parents. I might not really know much about what's happening out there, but I do know that people like my parents and I are being targeted. I will not stay here for someone I have to sneak around to see and not be with them."  
  
Severus simply nodded. After a moment, he sighed. "You don't understand the situation I'm in. We can't be open about us yet. Just give it time."  
  
"I've given it time, Severus. Two months! That should be time enough." She studied his face, though it was unreadable behind his calculating eyes. Suddenly, his lips were on hers. She inhaled sharply, surprised by the abrupt action.  
  
He pulled away from her slowly. "I love you, Lily. Just a bit longer, please?"  
  
She didn't say anything. She stared at him. He had kissed her. Raising her hand to her lips, a terrifying thought flashed through her mind.  _I didn't like it._ She liked him, or at least she thought she did. How could this be happening?  
  
Just when she's ready to answer, the door to the room slams shut making both Lily and Severus jump.  
  
"Who was that?" Severus sounds panicked. "Who saw us?"  Wide-eyed, Lily shook her head. "We have to go. Go back to your common room." He grabbed her wrist and dragged her out the door, pushing her in the direction of Gryffindor tower. He then set off in the opposite direction, to Slytherin.  
  
She walked slowly. She was trying to understand it. There weren't fireworks or a warm feeling in her stomach. It had simply been his lips on hers, and nothing more. Kisses, especially first kisses, were supposed to be amazing, weren't they?  
  
She hadn't managed to tell him that it needed out either. Who had seen them? No one had been in the hallway. She made it to Gryffindor Tower and went straight to her dorm. Eva and Scarlett were there, so she couldn't tell Dorcas what had happened.  
  
"Are you okay, Lily?" Dorcas asked.  
  
Lily simply nodded. "Just tired. I'm going to bed early."  
  
Shrugging, Dorcas went back to reading her book.  
  
Lying in bed with her curtains drawn, Lily couldn't sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about that meeting with Severus. It had been their first kiss, and she had felt—nothing. It wasn't until long after the other girls had fallen asleep that Lily finally drifted off.  
  
Breakfast found her and Dorcas sitting with the fifth year boys. They had started sitting together more often now that Severus no longer sat by himself at the end of the Slytherin table. Lily still hadn't told Dorcas about the kiss. She knew she should, to see if she was just over reacting, but she was afraid that maybe she didn't like Severus as much as she thought she had. Maybe she had been romanticizing everything in her head, and the truth was finally breaking though.  
  
Merlin, she didn't want that. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't realize Dorcas had been speaking to her until she's nudged. "Are you okay?" she asked, concerned.  
  
"Yeah, sorry," Lily said, shaking her head. "I was just thinking."  
  
"I was asking what your plans are for Christmas," Potter said, smiling at her.  
  
Lily smiled too. Christmas was one of her favorite times of the year. "Christmas is family time at the Evans house. We play games, drink eggnog, and just have fun.  Just the four of us." Lily sighed. "It's great. I love Christmas."  
  
"I always have some friends come to my house, and I thought that maybe you and Dorcas would like to come this year?"  
  
She thought about it for a minute, but didn't see what harm there could be in accepting the invitation. "Yeah, I'd like that."  
  
Potter' smile broke into a grin. "Brilliant. I'll owl you the address over break. It'll be on the 23rd."  
  
She smiled at Potter. "I look forward to it then. I suppose you three will be there as well?" she ask.  
  
Remus and Peter nodded, but Black scowled. "No, I never go. I get enough of him at school," Black said, laughing, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. "But from what I've heard, Prongs can throw a party?"  
  
"Erm, Prongs?" Lily asked.  
  
"Jamesie-boy here. Prongs. And I'm Padfoot."  
  
Remus and Potter were looking at Black with disbelief. "You weren't suppose to tell, Black," Potter said.  
  
"I'm Moony and Peter is Wormtail. They're nicknames we came up with. Please don't ask."  
  
Lily looked at the four boys and shook her head. "Right, and I suppose you've came up with a name for your little group as well."  
  
"Yep," Pettigrew said, probably tired of not being in on the conversation. "We're the Marauders. We made  _that_  name up in third year."  
  
Lily glanced over at Dorcas and the two girls started laughing. "You guys are ridiculous."  
  
"I'm pretty sure I'm Sirius," Black smirked. Everyone rolled their eyes. Those jokes had gotten old by second year.  
  
Lily glanced around the Hall, taking in the students talking. She loved Saturdays at Hogwarts. Students trailed into the Hall, some looking like they had just rolled out of bed, some looking ready to take on the day. They could take their time to eat and talk. There was no rush to get to class, no last minute cramming or writing of essays. It was peaceful.  
  
She avoided Slytherin table all together. She didn't want to see him yet. She didn't know if her face would betray her doubt. She didn't know if what had happened last night was a true portrayal of how she felt, or if she had just been so shocked that he had kissed her that she shut off all emotion.  
  
Dorcas pull her from her thoughts again, nudging her. "Are you sure you're okay? You've zoned out a lot today."  
  
"I'm fine, I'm just…thinking," she said lamely. Dorcas studied her. Lily looked down at her empty plate. Her best friend could read her like no one else could. When her sister had started sending the letters back in third year unopened and Lily had gone to the shower to cry, Dorcas had known something was wrong. When she received news that Snowflake, the kitten her parents had bought her when she was three had died, Dorcas had know something was wrong. Just as she knew something was wrong now.  
  
Dorcas sighed. "Well, I'm finished." She smiled at the boys. "And I have some Potions work I need to do. Actually," she said, turning to Lily, "Could you help me with it. I'm stuck on this one part…" Dorcas trailed off.  
  
"Of course." With that, the girls said their goodbyes to the boys and walked out of the Great Hall.  
  
"What's going on between you and Snape?" Dorcas asked the instant they were out of ear-shot of anyone else.  
  
Lily glanced around and pulled her friend outside. It was freezing in late December, and they didn't have outerwear on, so Lily spoke quickly. "He kissed me. Just did it. No warning or anything. And I'm so confused. I didn't feel anything. I should have at least felt happy, but I didn't." She bit her lip, looking worriedly at the brunette.  
  
"He kissed you?" Dorcas questioned. Lily nodded. "You didn't like it?"  
  
"It wasn't that. I just—It was just a kiss. There was nothing there. What does it mean?"  
  
"It means…I don't know Lils. You know I've never kissed anyone. I don't know. You'll just have to trust your gut on this one."  
  
That wasn't what she wanted to hear. She didn't like what her 'gut' was telling her. Sighing, she nodded and the two girls went back inside. They were climbing the stairs when Dorcas gave her one last bit of advice. "I wouldn't do anything right now though. It might have just been a one-off thing, you know?"

* * *

 

She watched the fire flicker while she thought of what she was going to do. She liked Severus, or at least she thought she did. The kiss had her confused. And on top of that was the secrecy of it all that she wanted to end. How could she do this? She'd been avoiding Severus since that day by saying she had to study or tutor the younger children. It wasn't like they wouldn't see each other over Christmas break. They did live close to each other, after all. He would want to spend whole days with her, she knew. Like they should have been doing here at Hogwarts.  
  
Why couldn't they? Why did everything have to be a secret? She shook her head. She would tell him today she couldn't do this anymore. If he was going to kiss her, they were going public with their relationship.  
  
She jumped when someone sat beside her. It was late and there weren't many people in the common room.  
  
"Potter, can I help you?" she asked.  
  
He laughed. "You can call me James, Evans. I think we're kinda friends now."  
  
A small smile was all she could muster. "Well, my name is Lily, not Evans."  
  
She giggled then, and Potter-James-laughed more. He looked at her with concerned eyes. "Are you okay? You've seemed pretty out of it the last few days. And you've been watching that fire like it's the most interesting thing in the world."  
  
Surprised at his concern, she shook her head. "I'm fine. Really. I'm just…thinking about some things, is all."  
  
"Snivv—er, Snape?"  
  
She didn't miss the name he nearly used for Severus, but she was more surprised at his guess. "Why would I be thinking about him?"  
  
Now it was Potters turn to look into the fire. She almost thought he somehow had forgotten their conversation and was about to change the subject to something else when he spoke. "I saw the two of you." He looked over at her. "I was disappointed that you lied to me, to everyone, but I guess I could maybe understand. I just wish you had been honest. If you had told me you had a boyfriend then I wouldn't have…"  
  
"Wouldn't have what?" Lily asked.  
  
He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "It's kind of…well, I told my parents that I liked you. Because I really do. And they—and I didn't tell them to do this, but I could have guessed they would, but they've already made plans for, well, treating you like my girlfriend at Christmas." He sighed again. "If you want to  bring Sni—Snape, you can."  
  
"What did you see us doing, James?" she asked, more out of curiosity that anything, though she thought she knew.  
  
"You kissed him." His eyes remained trained on the floor. His lips twitched, almost into a smile. "You called me James."  
  
"I did," she said, nodding. "You're turning out to be a better person than I had imagined. Of course, you could use a dose of maturity, or two…maybe three."  
  
"Hey! Two is my limit!"  
  
They started laughing then, finding it more funny than it should have been. Lily leaned on James for support. Every time they had nearly stopped, they glanced at each other, and the laugher began again. After they had finally calmed down, and several rude looks from those studying in the common room,  they sat on the couch, watching the fire together.  
  
"I'm sorry I lied to you. I just—Dorcas is the only other person who knows. Severus doesn't want everyone knowing."  
  
"Remus knows too, doesn't he?" She looked over at James. For someone who spent more time pulling pranks than studying, he was a smart boy.  
  
"Yes," Lily admitted.  
  
"Why doesn't he want anyone else to know."  
  
Lily sighed. "I don't know. He just doesn't."  
  
"It's not fair to either of you. If…"  
  
"If what?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"James, tell me, please."  
  
"If you were my girlfriend, I'd tell everyone in the school. There would be no way I could keep it a secret." He looked over at her, and she looked up at him.  
  
His eyes found hers and as much as she knew she should look away, she couldn't. His eyes were nothing like Severus'. When she looked into Severus, all she saw was a reflection of herself. His eyes were so dark, and he always kept his emotions hidden, something he had mastered as a small child.  
  
James, though. James' eyes were filled with emotion. She could see so much in them: hurt and anger, sadness and…other feelings she wasn't even sure of. She studied his eyes as they moved closer to her own, wondering at how they could be so different than Severus', wondering what her own eyes held.  
  
His lips brushed against hers softly, before suddenly disappearing.  
  
James was standing, wide-eyed. "Oh Merlin. I shouldn't have done that. I don't know why…I'm sorry," he said.  
  
Lily shook her head. He had kissed her. Briefly, barely, but he had. She searched for something to say, but she couldn't find anything. With one last glance his way, she ran to the girls dorm.  
  
She went straight to her bed and got in, pulling the curtains around her. Not a minute later, she heard her curtains open again felt the weight of someone else sitting on her bed as the curtains were again closed.  
  
"What happened?" Dorcas' voice came from the foot of the bed.  
  
Lily sat up. "James' kissed me."  
  
Dorcas hadn't expected that. Her eyebrows shot up. "He what?"  
  
"He kissed me." Lily buried her hands in her face. "I don't know what to do." She looked back up at her friend. Dorcas looked like she was trying to think of something to say. What did you say when something like this happened? Lily picked her pillow up and held it close to her, as if it would help in some way.  
  
"Why did he kiss you?" Dorcas finally asked.  
  
"I don't know. But I liked it. He…we were talking about me and Sev. He saw us kiss. And I told him the truth and we were just talking and then he kissed me."  
  
"What did you say afterward?"  
  
Lily pressed her face into the pillow. "I didn't, I ran up here," came her muffled voice. "I'm such an idiot. I just left him standing down there!"  
  
"Well, I guess you know what to do now, don't you?"  
  
Lily looked up at Dorcas as if she were crazy. "No, I don't know what to do. What is there to do?"  
  
"If you liked James' kiss, but you didn't like Severus' kiss, then you need to be with James, not Severus."  
  
Lily shook her head. "But I want to be with Sev. I love him."  
  
Dorcas studied her friend. "Lils, I think we need to examine your feelings." Before Lily could say anything, Dorcas continued speaking. "I mean, not so sound all grown-up or whatever, but honestly, you say you love Severus. You don't have any feeling for James. Then when they kissed you, the feelings were just the opposite. What does that tell you?"  
  
She didn't want to say it. She loved Severus. She knew she did. Otherwise, she had been lying her herself. She didn't understand how it could have happened. He was her best friend, the person, other than Dorcas, she told everything too. He was the one she ran to when she was upset. He was  _the one._  She knew it. He had to be. He'd been like a brother to her ever since they had started Hogwarts.  
  
 _Like a brother._ That last thought rang in her head. Maybe that was it. She did love Severus, but she didn't love him that way. It wasn't that she didn't like him. It wasn't that she didn't have feelings for him. It was that the feelings she had for them and what they were doing were two different things.  _Like a brother._  She would tell him when she next saw him.  
  
She grinned at Dorcas. "You're right." That seemed to surprise Dorcas more than James kissing Lily. "I mean, I do love him. But, he's more like my brother than my lover."  And maybe he had realized she was like a sister to him, and that was why it had been so easy to avoid him. It all seemed so simple now.  
  
After a few more moments of mindless chatter, Dorcas went back to her own bed, leaving Lily to her thoughts. Tomorrow, she would tell him. The train ride was tomorrow. And he would understand. He was her Sev, after all. Sev always understood everything. She smiled.  
  
 _Like a brother._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Thank you so much for reading, and I would really love to hear what you're thinking about this story.


	4. The Train

Her stomach was in knots. She didn't know how she was going to do this. She had never broken up with someone before. How was she suppose to do this! She was just glad for a few minutes to come up with something before she was faced with him. Since they were keeping their relationship a secret anyway, he had gone with his friends, while she went with hers.

She looked over at Dorcas who smiled reassuringly at her. She could do this. He was like her brother, and that's all she had to say. That was it. She wasn't cutting all ties, she was simply putting their relationship in the right place. It didn't belong in the romance section, it belonged in the family section. That was all there was to it.

Then why is it so nerve-wracking? She couldn't do it. She watched as the carriages pulled into Hogsmeade station. This was too hard. Maybe she could just make him break up with her. Would that be easier? It seemed like it would be.

But that would be cowardly, and she's a Gryffindor. She would do it. It wouldn’t be that hard. And Severus would understand. He had to understand. He was Sev, her best friend since before Hogwarts. He was the one who first told her what she was. He was her first boy-friend. He was her first kiss. Now he would be her first break-up. Severus was her first. He would always be there for her. He was to be the first of everything in her life, she knew it. He was the Sev.

She took a deep breath and nodded at Dorcas. She could do this. She had to.

He was in a compartment already by the time she made it onto the train. Dorcas had promised to save her a seat. She would do it now so things would hopefully go smoothly.

He smiled at her when she walked in. She smiled tensely back.

"Sev, I wanted-" "Lily, I've been meaning—" They started at the same time.

"You go first," Severus said with a smile.

"I've been thinking about us a lot. And this relationship we started. I—I don't really know how to say it," she sorta laughed. "I just—I think we should go back to being friends." She watched his face, but it didn't change from the calm listening expression he'd worn since she started talking. "I mean, I love you, but I love you like a brother. The kiss made me realize that. There weren't sparks. There wasn’t even a pleasurable feeling in my stomach like I've heard people say. I was just a kiss and, well, I just want to be friends."

His expression didn't changed much, but he nodded. "That sounds great. I don't think the last few months will change anything between us, do you?"

Lily grinned, shaking her head. "No, I don't. You're still my best friend. But I promised Dorcas I'd sit with her, so I'm going to go. See you over break," she said as she left the compartment. She thought he had taken it well. It seemed to her that he had wanted to say the same thing. She was so glad they were always on the same page.

Dorcas was seated with none other than the self-proclaimed Marauders. She had been talking to Remus a lot, and Lily thought they were on the verge of a break through. Or they would be, if they could ever have alone time. The other three Marauders surrounded Remus almost constantly though.

Lily walked into the carriage and took the empty seat between Peter and the window. She looked around the carriage. Now that she was Severus free, these boys didn't look half-bad. Potter had tousled hair, as if he had just got off a broom. It had been that way since he was a first year, and she had a feeling that it just grew that way. She grinned when she remembered one lesson in first year where McGonagall, tired of Potter's hair being that way, had pulled him by his hear to a wash-room to try and make him flatten it.

Then there was Sirius. He always tried to look cool and unaffected by things. His hair was just as black as Potter's, but it was down to his ears like one of those muggle singers instead of shorter. Most girls in Hogwarts want him, and many claimed to have had broom-closet encounters with him, but Lily had a feeling that most, if not all, were lies. Since she had gotten to know him, she realized that he was more insecure than a first year at the sorting. And from what little information she had on his family, she didn't think he had the best home-life either.

Remus was the mysterious one of the group for most people. As much as she knew Sirius tried to be mysterious, that one word was for Remus. His smile was the brightest of the bunch, as if he loved every second of every one. He had his secret, and if Lily hadn't know it was the reason he shied away from people so much, she may have been like the rest of the school and felt sorry for him. Not that she didn't, but she had different reasons. His parents weren't well off, but he had nice clothes. His sandy-brown fringe normally hung down into his eyes, and he was constantly moving it.

Peter was the cute one of the four. He was the shortest, but only by about an inch for now. His dull brown hair and watery eyes made him seem slightly boring at first, but when you moved beyond that, he was an amazing person. He could never admit at being good at anything, though when Lily needed help in astronomy he was always the first person she turned to. And from what she gathered, he was quite a good writer as well. She had found some parchment he had left in the common room one night, and the story he had written on it left her wanting to find out the ending. She had promised him she wouldn't tell anyone when she found them, though she told him they were fantastic. She wondered if he had written anymore since then. Third year had been quite a while ago.

Dorcas was sitting between Remus and Sirius, leaning slightly toward Remus. Wondering when the two of them would get together, and praying that Remus wouldn't get hurt in the process, her eyes wondered over to James, who was asleep on the other side of Peter. That kiss had shocked her, but she wondered if there could be something to it. She wanted to tell him she'd broken up with Severus, but she wasn't sure she wanted Sirius and Peter to know.

She sighed. When did her life get so complicated? Okay, so it might not have been as complicated as Remus', but she still had to deal with things. Looking at the country side going by out the window, she bit her lip.

"Lily?" Peter asked.

"Hmm?" she turned to face him.

"Is something wrong?" He looked concerned.

She smiled. "I'm just thinking about some stuff."

"Do you want to talk about it?" She glanced around the compartment. Black had fallen asleep as well, and Dorcas was talking to Remus. Should she tell him? It wasn't that big of a deal now that it was over, was it? "It's okay if you don't want to tell me," he said, turning his head.

"It's not that Pete," she said, the nickname slipping out. "I just don't know…" she sighed again.

"She broke up with her boyfriend," Dorcas said, rolling her eyes. "She's just too shy to admit it."

Peter looked slightly lost. "You had a boyfriend?"

Lily mumbled a yes. It was strange talking about it so freely when it had been a secret for months. Remus laughed. "Geez Lily. She was dating Severus."

Peter's eyes widened. "Why? He's…" he trailed off, blushing slightly. He probably didn't want to offend Lily. "I don't like him."

Lily couldn't believe Remus had said that. "Mr. Lupin. How could you!" She grinned playfully, showing him she wasn't being serious. "Maybe I should just out your secret too then."

His brow furrowed. "What?" he asked.

Realizing he thought she was referring to his lycanthropy, she felt a little bad. "I mean I'm telling Dorcas." She turned her head the two inches required to see her friend and smiled. "Remus just so happens to like you as much as you like him." Remus visibly relaxed, but Dorcas didn't notice. She looked over at the boy in question.

"Really?"

"Umm, well, yeah," he said, blushing slightly.

Lily smiled, glancing over at Peter. "They're gonna make a cute couple," she whispered to him as she watched the progress.

"So…what does that mean?" Dorcas asked.

"I guess it means you could be my girlfriend, if you'd like."

"I guess," Peter whispered back. "But I think Scarlett is prettier."

So Peter likes Scarlett, she thought. Who would have thought he would fall for someone like her?

"Are you asking?" Dorcas asked, her voice slightly higher than normal.

"Yeah," Remus said, nodding.

Dorcas grinned at him. "Then I'm accepting." They sat there, awkwardly for a moment. Lily decided that since Dorcas was acting all shy, she would step in. She walked over and stood in front of them.

"Finally," she said. Then, reaching down, she picked up their hands and put them together. Smiling at them both, she nodded. "My job here is done." She sat back down next to Peter. "So, who's your secret crush?" she asked, jokingly.

Peter smiled. "What would happen if I said you?" he asked.

She hadn't been expecting that. "Umm…I…umm…"

Peter laughed. "Don't worry, you aren't my type."

Remus and Dorcas continued talking, but Lily ignored most of it. They needed what privacy they could have. Peter offered to play a game of Exploding Snap with her, and she accepted. They played until the Trolley Lady came by.

It seemed that Black and Potter were dead to the world. They had slept through the loud laughter of Lily and Peter playing the card game, not to mention the explosions that came with it, but the instant the elderly lady asked if they wanted something in her low voice, they were awake and at the trolley before anyone else could move.

After everyone had bought their food and she had moved on (with considerably less food than before) everyone started talking. And somehow, Snape was brought up into the conversation. Black was complaining about Potions when Remus said that Severus and Lily were the best in the class and said he should ask one of them for help.

Which had started a bunch of insults from Black about Severus. To which Peter responded, "Careful, Lily might have broke up with him, but she could still like him."

That silenced the entire compartment. "What?" Black finally asked. "When were Lily and Severus dating?"

"All year apparently," Peter said.

"Why is no one else shocked. Why did I not know? Even Peter knew before me?" he said.

"I'm a little shocked," Potter told him. He leaned forward so he could see at Lily. "Why didn't you tell me you broke up with him? It wasn't because of last night, was it?"

The other four people in the compartment looked at each other, slightly puzzled.

"Yes. Well, sorta, but not really," Lily said, looking at James. Peter squirmed a little. It's never comfortable sitting between two people having a conversation that you aren't in.

"I didn't mean for it to. I really didn't. I'm sorry," he said.

"It didn't, and I'm not. I didn't like Severus that way, and it took that to help me realize it. I was getting my signals confused. He's fine with it too. But he's more brotherly that anything for me. Your kiss just made me realize that."

Sirius spit out the pumpkin juice he had just put in his mouth. "WHAT? You kissed her?"

"Erm…yeah," Potter said.

Before Black could have another outburst, Lily decided to change the subject from her and Potter. "So, why is it that no one has noticed Dorcas and Remus holding hands?"

"Why am I not aware of any of this? Dorcas and Remus, Lily and Snivellus, James and Lily…I need to be told things guys!"

"But Black, if we did that then it wouldn't be nearly as entertaining," Dorcas said sweetly. "And if you didn't sleep so much, you would be more aware of things."

Black didn't seem to have an answer for that and was silent. Of course, nothing could keep him silent for long and soon the boys were discussing Quidditch. Lily could understand why James was so interested in it, being the Chaser on the Gryffindor team, but the others she didn't understand. She had never saw Remus or Peter on a broom at all, and Black refused to 'conform to the rules' of the game.

Lily shook her head. She was spending way too much time with these people. Sure, they were better than she thought they would be, but Potter and Black practically tormented Severus, and he got enough of that at home. It's not like his father was like Lily's. Severus didn't need any more than that, especially from them.

She scowled at herself. She had been spending so much time with them, with the people who made his time at Hogwarts horrid. Maybe that had been why it had been so easy to break things off with him…but he was hanging around people who did the same thing to people like her. She couldn't ignore that either. Was that why they had been secret? He wanted to hide her from his friends?

The realization hit her. She couldn't believe it. She thought she was important to him, but he had wanted a plaything…nothing more. All the times she had let his lips grace her cheek, his arms wrap around her, his fingers interlace with hers, had all been for…what?

How could he have done that? She wouldn't have believed it. But all the evidence was there. They only met in the more Gryffindor prone areas, never near the dungeons. He quit sitting on the end of Slytherin table. He crowded around with them, talking in low voices.

He wouldn't, though. He knew she was what they were against, and she was his best friend! He was hers, and it would always be that way. They had always been there for each other, they were like peanut butter and jelly-you can have them separate, but they are much better together.

Dorcas, as Lily's other best friend, didn't miss the sudden mood change. The guys were grouped together, so she moved over and squeezed between Lily and Peter. Lily glanced at Drocas slight smile. "Are you okay, Lils?" she asked, taking Lilys hand.

"I was just thinking, it's nothing," Lily said, putting on a large, fake smile. Dorcas saw right through it.

"You and Severus are going to be fine."

"He doesn't even like me anymore. I just…maybe I should give up. And hanging out with them isn't helping."

"Them? What's wrong with them?" Dorcas asked, looking at Remus.

"You know how they treat him. Or Black and Potter, at least."

She didn't answer that because there was no answer needed. Dorcas understood. Lily couldn't tell her the thoughts that ran through her mind. She would have to talk to Dorcas later, over the break. They didn't live very far away from each other, only about thirty minutes. Instead, Dorcas sat there with Lily. Peter moved to the other side with a slight scowl at Dorcas for forcing him out of his seat after a few minutes. Having four people fit onto a seat made for three wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world.

That made Remus aware Dorcas was no longer beside him, so he tried to bring the girls into the conversation. "Dorcas, Lily, who's your team?"

"Gryffindor," they said together.

"Gryffindor isn't a real team, it's only a school team. The best school team, but it's not professional," Black explained.

"I don't like Quidditch, Black. I don't see the point in fourteen people chasing three little balls and hurting each other, or themselves, just for a game that doesn't count for anything."

Black made a few incomprehensible noises before simply shaking his head. "Moony, mate, your girl is crazy."

Dorcas glared at Black, but let the comment slide. Instead, she looked at her watch. "You boy's need to leave."

"Why?" Black protested. It seemed that anything Dorcas said would be challenged by him.

"Because we aren't going to let you sit here and watch us change, that's why. Now out!" She pointed her finger to the door of the compartment, raising her eyebrows and looking at each one of them. Remus stood and left first, followed by the other three.

After the door was shut, Lily laughed. "Now Lils, we can talk while we change," Dorcas said, pulling the shade down on the window.

"What?" Lily said, feigning ignorance. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk about it right this instant. She wasn't even sure she was right.

"Out with it. We can't take too long."

Lily didn't speak for a minute, instead pretending she was having trouble finding her clothes. After she had taken as long as she could with that, she sighed and sat on the seat. "I betrayed him. It's that simple."

"By occasionally hanging out with these guys? I don't think so."

"You know how they bully him. And I'm going to Potter's Christmas party! But that isn't the worst of it. I—What if he doesn't even care about that. What if he just wanted someone to…you know, play with?"

"You just kissed, right?" Dorcas said, looking slightly shocked.

"What? Yes!" Lily said, blushing slightly. How Dorcas could even think such a thing! "I just don't even know Dorcas. As much as I like the four of them, I can't help but think maybe in a way, it's their fault Sev and I didn't last.

Dorcas sat beside Lily, wrapping her arm around her. "Look, maybe they are part of the reason, but they can't be all of it. I haven't said anything because I know how defensive you are about him but…he isn't good for you. Don't be angry with me, but you deserve better than him." Dorcas took a deep breath. "I think we should get dressed now." She hugged Lily. "Maybe it was the Marauders fault, but if they are, then he shouldn't be friends with the people he's friends with either. They are horrible people. And if what you said was true, and he just wanted a play thing, then you are better off without him. There are better people out there."

"Like Remus?" Lily asks with a smile.

Dorcas blushes. "I still can't believe you did that, but thank you."

Lily felt better. Her talk with Dorcas might not have achieved much, but it did at least mean someone else understood how she felt. The boys grumbled about girls taking 'so bloody long' to change when they let them back in.

Somehow, James ended up beside her this time, with Sirius on James' other side and Peter next to Remus and Dorcas. Lily shoved aside all thoughts from before-she would worry about those the next time she saw Severus.

The train pulled into the station not long after that. James decided to help Lily with her trunk. Lily wasn't sure how he was going to manage, as he also had to get his. She watched him struggle with it for a few minutes before giggling. "James, I've done this for four year and I can do it now. But thank you," she smiled at him.

After assuring her he could do it and a few more futile attempts, he gave her the trunk. And with that, the group walked off the train and out of the world or Hogwarts, if only for Christmas Break.


	5. Christmas

Just as Lily expected, Petunia hadn't been at Kings Cross Station to pick her up. Her parents had welcomed her home with warm hugs, and they had stopped off for warm drinks before going home. Severus' mother was there, and she saw his mother hug him lightly. When Severus looked her way, though, she pretended not to notice.  
  
Of course, Dorcas and the four Marauders had disappeared quickly, going to their own families. Lily breathed deeply, smiling. Christmas was in the air, and just around the corner. Christmas was her favorite holiday. It was her favorite time of year. She has said it before, and she would always think so.  
  
But now, two days before Christmas, she was feeling nervous. In just a few hours, she would be going to James Potters house. How could she have agreed to that? This year had turned out so differently. In the summer, she had expected it to be the same. She would hang out with Severus some, she and Dorcas would do whatever it was they decided to do, and everything would be great.  
  
Now, she wasn't sure what happened. Severus hadn't been over, and when she tried to go to his house, as she occasionally did, or communicate with him, she received slammed doors and silence.  
  
But she couldn't let that bring down her spirits now. Instead, she was worrying over a party she would go to at seven the next day. Not that it was long from now. Dorcas would be there. That, at least, gave her comfort where nothing else did. She would have her best friend at this party.  
  
A knock on the door pulls her from her thoughts, and she looks up when her mother, Ruby, walks in and sits next to her on the bed.  
  
"Hey mum," she said with a smile.  
  
"Lily," she said, stroking her daughters' hair. "Is everything okay?"  
  
"Yeah, of course. I'm just a bit nervous about the party is all."  
  
Ruby smiled. "Ah, yes. I remember my first mixed party. It will be fine, dear. James sounds like a wonderful young man."  
  
Lily simply smiled. When telling her mother of the party, she had mentioned James' dad was a well know Auror and his mother had simply been a house wife. When asked about James himself, she had told her he was in the top ten of the class, just below her. She had, however, left out that James and his friends were also the biggest troublemakers in the school.  
  
"I guess. I've just never been to his house, and we really didn't talk before this year…" Lily trailed off. She was positive this all seemed silly to her mother.  
  
Her mother gave her a reassuring smile. "People change as they get older, and you find sometimes those people you didn't like before now have so much in common with you. And sometimes, your best friends can fall away as you grow apart." Severus flashed through her mind at those words, but she shoved it aside. She and Severus weren't growing apart.  
  
When Lily didn't speak, her mother took it as her signal to leave. After kissing Lily on the forehead, she smiled at her. "Everything will turn out fine Lily. I promise." With that, her mother left Lily's room, closing the door on her way out.  
  
Lily wasn't sure what to do. She wouldn't be able to talk to Dorcas until tomorrow (Dorcas' parents had a strict 'no owls after eight' policy). Deciding to call it a night, Lily turned out her light and fell asleep.  
  
The next day proved much better than that night. She didn't worry about it much. She kept herself busy, doing the homework she had put off, but would need to do when she returned to school. So when her mother came into her room at five to tell her dinner was ready, Lily was slightly shocked. She had completed all but two assignments, but she wasn't ready for the party.  
  
She didn't eat much of the meatloaf her mother had made. Her nerves were upsetting her stomach. After a snide remark from Petunia, Lily was excused from the table to get ready for the party.  
  
Her sisters voice floated into the bathroom as Lily attempted to fix her hair. "Vernon said he likes girls who actually eat something, not little twigs like Lily."  
  
"Lily isn't that thin, dear. She wears a five."  
  
"That doesn't matter. Vernon likes that American…what's her name? Marilyn Monroe."  
  
Lily blocked out the conversation after that. She wasn't concerned with Vernon. She only hoped this boy went like the last one-down the drain as quickly as possible. Petunia seemed to have a great charm in attracting boys, but she never stayed with them long. A month was a huge thing.  
  
Finally finished in the bathroom, and looking at her robes in the mirror, Lily was satisfied. Now to drive to the Potters house. Her parents had found the address the day after the owl came with Lilys invitation. They had said it was a very posh place, but after living on this street, a two story house seemed very posh.  
  
So when they pulled up in front on a very old looking manor, Lily about fainted. James lived here?  _Here?_ She knew he had some money, but she never imagined he was actually that wealthy. She looked over at Dorcas. They had both been quiet on the ride over, after Lily's parents had picked Dorcas up.  
  
The girls were just making their way up the steps when the door was thrown open. An older man, probably in his sixties, stood in the doorway. Lily guessed it to be James' grandfather.  
  
"We'll be back at eleven, girls!" Ruby called from the car. "Call if you think it'll be later."  
  
"Alright mum," Lily called back before turning to the elderly gentleman.  
  
"You must be Lily," he said, holding out his hand, "James has told me all about you."  
  
"Has he?" she said politely. "Well, your grandson can be quite the charmer."  
  
The man laughed. "Grandson?" He grinned. "James is my son."  
  
Lily's face burned. How could she have made that mistake? James had said his father was a little older than normal. "I’m so sorry, sir. I didn't mean—"  
  
"It's quite alright. Come on in! I'm Luke, by the way. Luke Potter." He grinned, making Lily relax a little more. Turning to Dorcas, he offered her his hand as well. "And you must be Dorcas, Miss Evans friend. I hear you and Remus are courting. It's nice you can see past—"  
  
"Is Remus here?" Lily asked, cutting Luke off.  
  
"Yes, he's right over there, with James and Peter."  
  
Dorcas glanced at Lily before going over to Remus and hugging him. They hadn't saw each other since the train, though they had been owling most every day. "Dorcas doesn't know he's a werewolf," Lily whispered to Luke.  
  
"Oh my…" he glanced over at the pair. "That could end badly."  
  
Lily nodded her agreement. She had both berated herself and applauded herself everyday for helping the two of them get together. A knock on the door meant Luke had more guest to let in, so Lily walked over to where the five other teenagers were.  
  
"Lily," James grinned.  
  
"James," she smiled. She needed to refer to him as James if they were to be friends. Severus would simply have to deal with it. She could have friends beyond him if he could beyond her.  
  
She sat in the only empty spot next to James. "Don't worry," he said. "This is just the start. Once everyone arrives, they bring out the drinks. And after a few hours, we can sneak some firewhiskey."  
  
"Few hours? When does the party end?" Lily asked.  
  
"Dawn?" Peter supplied. "There are rooms if you want to crash. But when the sun comes up, everyone leaves and it's just James and his parents and Remus and I."  
  
"But you two are welcome to stay as well," James said with a grin.  
  
Lily bit her lip. She shouldn't. She really shouldn't.  But she asked for an owl and wrote to her mum, explaining that it was tradition to say all night and requesting that she be picked up in the morning. Surprisingly, her mum agreed, telling her that she was growing up and had to make choices of her own.  
  
It seemed that also signaled the last guest arriving, for when the door shut a resounding drum beat started. Lily was shocked. She had never been to a party like this before. "Mum went to America in the when I was small for about six months. When she came back, she said she was a hippy…and this is where they get all that stuff. Mum is big into muggle, even if she is a pureblood." James explained.  
  
Soon smoke filled the air. Lily felt a little uncomfortable. The boys and even Dorcas seemed at ease though. As James had said, the drinks came out quite a lot, drifting around on floating carriers, though she didn't see the boys with anything stronger than a Butterbeer  
  
. She danced with each of the boys, including Remus, but so did Dorcas. She was actually starting to enjoy herself. She didn't know what time it was, and she didn't care. This was the time to have fun. She could never see Severus doing this, but it was something she could easily do, she decided.  
  
She was flung into James' arms when it was time for the slow dance. He grinned at her, pulling her close. "You look great Lily," he whispered into her ear. As they moved with the music, she felt her eyes close. This felt so wonderful.  
  
Then the music stopped and James moved away. She grabbed his hand, though. She didn't want him to leave. She liked James Potter. She didn't know how it had happened, or when, but she did. She looked around to tell Dorcas, but couldn't find him or Remus anywhere.  
  
"James," she said, pulling his attention away from Peter. "I want to tell you something."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I…I want to do it somewhere else. Quieter."  
  
He nodded and led her up one flight of stairs—now two…and into a room. He shut the door, sitting on a bed and looking at her expectantly. "Yes, Lily?"  
  
Now she felt like she was on spotlight. She didn't know what to say. How did she say what she wanted to tell him?  
  
She sat next to him and looked over. He still had that expectant look on his face. Finally, she knew how to tell him.  
  
"James," she said, turning to face him fully. He did the same. Then she pressed her lips to his. He responded eagerly.  
  
After a moment, he pulled away. "No, Lily."  
  
She was hurt. "No?"  
  
"I don't want you just doing this. You know I like you, but I want you to like me, not just…"  
  
"I do like you James."  
  
"You kissed Snivillus not long ago."  
  
"His name is Severus. And it was one kiss. That was all." She looked at James. "But…if you don't want to that's fine." She stood and walked to the door, fighting tears. This is what it felt like to be rejected. She didn't like it too much.  
  
"Wait, Lily." She stopped and looked at James. He moved over to her, looking into her eyes. "I'm sorry I upset you. I just don't want you for the wrong reasons."  
  
"They aren't wrong," she whispered.  
  
His lips were on hers. She wasn't consciously doing anything, but her hands moved from her sides up to his hair, making it messier than it already was.  
  
He broke away again and sat on his bed. His hair was more ruffled than before, and he wouldn't look at her. "Wow," he said eventually. She sat next to him.  
  
"Have I rendered James Potter speechless?"  
  
He grinned. "I believe you have, my dear."  
  
Lily wasn't sure what had gotten into her. Maybe she shouldn't have had that last Butterbeer-but that shouldn't have mattered, she drank more  than that on a trip to Hogsmeade. Maybe it was the smoke and the atmosphere. But she pressed her lips to his again.  
  
He pushed her back on the bed, their mouths still exploring each other before he suddenly stopped. "Lily, people are going to talk."  
  
"Let them," she said with a giggle. "I'm just that girl who lives next to Spinsters End, it's expected of me anyway."  
  
James blinked a few times. "No," he said. He moved so that he was laying beside her. "You're amazing and beautiful." He kissed her cheek. "But, no matter what rumors have gone around, you're still the only girl I've kissed. I'm not ready for the next step."  
  
"Next step?" Lily asked. Her eyes widened. "No. No no, that isn't what I meant at all! I just want to kiss some more."  
  
James looked over at her. She looked over at him. "Right…I knew that," he said with a grin. She pressed her lips to his again. She enjoyed the feeling he gave her. She liked that she felt the way she did with him. In that instant, he was her everything.  
  
*  
  
"James Potter! What is this?" Lily and James sat up quickly, both a little dazed by being woken in such a manner.  
  
"What mum?" James managed to mumble out.  
  
Lily looked up at the woman. She seemed to be in her fifties, but very much the wild woman James described.  
  
"You and this young lady…"  
  
"Feel asleep in here together. Sorry."  
  
She eyed James. "I told you I didn't want anything…"  
  
"Mum, nothing like that happened, okay? We just slept is all." He flopped back onto his pillow.  
  
She eyes him suspiciously before turning to Lily. "What would your parents say?"  
  
"Mum, come on. You know me. We didn't have sex, good merlin. We kissed a bit and fell asleep. And you normally wouldn't have a problem with it anyway."  
  
She shook her head. "Lily, right?" Lily nodded her head. "You parents are downstairs. I would suggest you…freshen up a bit before heading down. I'll tell them you're just in the washroom, shall I?"  
  
Lily nodded as James' mother, Martha, walked out the door. Then she ran to the mirror hanging on his wall. "This isn't showing me anything James. Your mirror is broken."  
  
He groaned. "No it isn't. It's for me to talk to Sirius. Go to the loo and check that mirror."  
  
Finding it, Lily checked her reflection. She didn't look that back…except for the large hickey on her neck.  
  
"Oh, sod it all." How was she to fix this? Finally, she settled for simply moving her long hair over it. There, now as long as it wasn't moved before she made it home, no one would know.  
  
Surprisingly, James was downstairs when she made it down. Martha had probably forced him to wake up. "Happy Chrsitmas," Lily said merrily.  
  
"Happy Christmas," everyone chorused back. Lily looked around. Dorcas, Remus, and Peter were still missing. Mrs. Potter wasn't here either, so she was probably retrieving them.  
  
Lily hugged her parents, smiling. "How did last night go?" she asked.  
  
"Vernon came over," Lily's father, Harold, told her. "He's two years older than Petunia, but he seems alright. She will graduate this year, after all. And he seems to have a promising career. He told us he was just promoted in his job at a drill place."  
  
"Oh," Lily said.  
  
James stood and walked over to them. "I'm James Potter." He held out his hand for Harold to shake. "I should have introduced myself sooner, I'm sorry."  
  
"I'm Harold, and this is my wife, Ruby," he told James, shaking his hand.  
  
"And I've found Dorcas," Martha said, following Dorcas down the steps.  
  
"Thanks for inviting me," Dorcas said with a sleepy smile. "I had a good time."  
  
"It was a pleasure dear," Martha said.  
  
After they said their goodbyes, the four of them left. "So did you girls have fun?"  Ruby asked them.  
  
"Yeah, it was great," Dorcas told her. She grinned over at Lily in the back seat. They dropped Dorcas off at her house and continued to theirs. Petunia was awake and waiting on the couch in a red dress. She always had to dress up.  
  
After quickly showering and dressing, Lily walk back into the living room. She had put on the green turtle neck. She wasn't sure what had gotten into her that night. Maybe it had been the smoke. Maybe all the drinks were alcoholic and she hadn't realized it. But she hadn't felt herself.  
  
Ruby walked in from the kitchen. "You look lovely Lily," she said. "That dress looks wonderful on you."  
  
"Thanks mum," Lily grinned. She sat next to Petunia, who huffed but smiled through the series of pictures that always occurred before present opening. There were always so many Christmas pictures. Pictures of each family member by themselves, pictures of Lily and Petunia together, pictures of Ruby and Harold together, and one family picture. Then there were pictures of the present opening.  
  
Lily didn't mind taking pictures at all. She smiled at the camera, truly happy to just be here and with her family. Of course, the large stack of presents that had her name on them didn't hurt her smile any.  
  
Ruby sat the piles in front of both girls. Petunia's was a bit larger than Lilys, not that Lily minded. But Petunia seemed to gloat over it, even though she didn't say a word. Lily picked up the largest one and ripped into the paper. From the green and red striped paper came the most beautiful jewelry box Lily had ever laid eyes on. It was wooden and had very intricate designs. Cautiously lifiting the lid, the box started playing a soft tune Lily vaguely remembered her mother singing.  
  
"It's wonderful," she said, looking up at her parents. "Thank you."  
  
"Open the rest," Harold told his youngest daughter.  
  
Lily glanced over at Petunia as she picked up her second gift. It seemed she had made her way through several of her gifts already as three dresses with matching shoes laid by her feet. Lily unwrapped the small package to reveal a locket. She carefully placed it in the ornate box and moved on.  
  
In the end, she ended up with a charm bracelet and a few charms, a wand cleaning kit (she had no clue how her parents had managed to obtain it) and  two new outfits. After both she and Petunia had said their thanks and taken their things to their room, Ruby began cooking breakfast, enlisting Petunia and Lily's help. Once a load of pancakes had been made, Harold wondered into the kitchen and the family ate.  
  
They watched the Christmas Specials on the telly, as they did every year. It wouldn't be Christmas without them. After the Specials were over, Ruby began cooking dinner. Lily went to her room, packing the presents she wanted to take with her in her trunk. She smiled. This is what Christmas was about.  
  
The last few days of Christmas break flew by. Petunia spent a lot of time with Vernon, and her parents had to go back to work after Boxing Day. When the day came to go back to Hogwarts, Lily found she didn't want to leave. She hadn't saw Severus all break. He seemed to be avoiding her.  
  
And though she tried not to dwell on it, she did. I wasn't fair. She had wanted things to be normal, not for him to act like she didn't exist. He had never done this. He would at least come to her when he couldn't stand to be home anymore, but she hadn't saw him at all.  
  
She shook her head. She should never have agreed to this. It was killing her, even if she didn't want to admit it. She needed him to be there for her like he always had, especially now. She sighed as Ruby called for her to hurry. She put a few last minute items back in her trunk and drug it to the door, where her dad too it.  
  
Her mum chatted in the car about nothing particular. Lily understood. Her mum hated sending her to Hogwarts and not having her around for most of the year, and if she didn't talk, she would cry. And Ruby Evans would not cry in public.  
  
Ruby did stop for a while when they arrived at Kings Cross. The trio (Petunia wouldn't get out of bed to even tell Lily goodbye) made their way to the train. The instant they made it through the barrier, Lily was surrounded by her friends…and some people she wasn't sure about.  
  
James and Remus took her trunk from her father while Dorcas tagged along. Lily shook her head. Her friend had fallen hard.  
  
Peter was talking to a short, but pristine looking woman, who she assumed was his mother. She scanned the crowd for Sirius, just curious now where he was, only to see a red faced witch screaming at him. His face was set and his eyes burning holes into the ground.  
  
Her parents followed her gaze. "Is that a friend of yours?" Harold asked.  
  
"Kinda." She didn't understand. Sirius was always so carefree, but she could hear, as she and her parents moved closer to the train, what the woman was saying.  
  
She wasn't screaming, more like hissing. "If you think you can be friends with mudbloods and blood traitors, think again. You will not disgrace the name of black like my sisters  _filthy_  daughter. How you could even say something like that…" she trailed off.  
  
Sirius' raised his gaze for a second and saw Lily. What she saw surprised her. It wasn't anger or hurt, but embarrassment. His mother seemed to notice too, for she became purple. "Is  _that_  the piece of filth you were telling me about."  
  
Lily's parents started to say something to Sirius' mum, but she stopped them. "It's not worth it. People like her aren't going to listen." She turned and hugged her parents tightly. "I'm just glad I have you guys," she said.  
  
The whistle blew just after that, and she got on the train, waving amongst the other students as the train pulled away.  
  
She found Dorcas sitting with Remus and the others in compartment. Sirius showed no sign of having saw Lily on the platform. He jumped up when she walked in and hugged her. "If it isn't Mrs. Potter, come to join us at last," he grinned.  
  
"Mrs. Potter? One snog doesn't make me his wife!"  
  
Sirius grinned. "Course not." He might have gotten away with it, had it not been for that wink he added after he said it.  
  
"Sirius Black, are you saying you're married to every girl you've snogged."  
  
His grin got wider. "Why not? Seeing as I've never snogged anyone in my life."  
  
Lily grinned back at him. "So Remus has one up on you then, Black."  
  
A glance at Remus and Dorcas proved Lily's thoughts on what had occurred on Christmas Eve were right.  
  
The train ride when about the same as the one delivering them to their homes and soon they six of them were back at Hogwarts, feasting, and stumbling to their common rooms. Lily thought her dorm bed had never felt better.  
  
Before she fell asleep, so smiled. This vacation had been the best yet.


	6. Secrets Released

She paced back and forth. It wasn't like Severus to be late. No, it wasn't at all. Maybe he decided not to come after all. She'd received his note in the morning mail to meet here in the trophy room. She glanced around at the trophies reflecting her wandlight. Most of them didn't even matter. Why were they at the school anyway, instead of at the winners house?  
  
She jumped when she heard the door open and torchlight flooded in, only to be extinguished moments later. It wasn't like it was after curfew, but she was still a little nervous. "Sev?" she questioned.  
  
"It's me," came his voice from the door.  
  
Nothing was said. The only sound was Lily's robes as she twirled her hair, unsure of what was going to happen next. When she realized he wasn't going to speak, even though this had been his idea, she took the lead. "Why did you avoid me over Christmas?"  
  
"I-It's complicated."  
  
"I thought you were staying here, anyway," she said, suddenly remembering how he had asked her to stay with him.  
  
"Plans changed. I was with some friends most of break."  
  
"Avery?" His silence was answer enough for her. After all, she had told him she didn't like his best Slytherin friend in the least. "You were home, though," she said, her voice laced with hurt. "And you didn't even wish me a Happy Christmas, like I tried to wish you."  
  
She heard him take a few steps forward until he was in the circle of light emitted from her wand. "Let me explain-"  
  
"No, Sev. I get it." She brushed past him and had nearly made it to the door when she felt his hand close gently around her arm. "Remove your hand."  
  
He did as she asked. When she didn't leave, he sighed. "I was hurt, Lily. You had just…dumped me. For  _Potter_  no less." The name came out of his mouth like venom. "I don't know if you realize it, but it's almost as if you've been dating him all last term instead of me."  
  
"Maybe," Lily said in a calm sort of anger, "had I been told why I couldn't tell anyone, you wouldn't have felt that way. As it stands, there's nothing between Potter and I."  
  
She pondered the sudden name change. She had been calling him James, and now that she was around Severus, she was suddenly using Potter again? It didn't make sense…but she didn't have long to think about it.  
  
"Right, that's why you ran to him right after dumping me on the train!"  
  
"I didn't dump you! We agreed. And no," she yelled, "I went to where Dorcas was sitting, you imbecile!"  
  
"Why don't you just admit it and get it over with," he yelled back. "Just run to Potter! Go snog him! You'll probably think he's better than me there, since you think he's a better friend and boyfriend."  
  
"You cannot turn this on me. It was you who insisted that we act normal, like we weren't together! I'm done." She spun around and walked out the door, slamming it closed and leaving Severus in the dark. She ran in no particular direction. She just wanted away. When she finally slowed, she was in a rarely used corridor on the seventh floor. She dropped to the ground  and leaned against the wall. Her breathing was heavy, though it wasn't just from the physical exertion.  
  
A sob escaped from her, followed by another, and another. She pressed her face in her hands. This shouldn't be this way. She didn't know what was going on between James and herself, it seemed that her friendship with Severus was shattered, and she didn't know what she was going to do. She was suppose to have it together. She was Lily Evans, fifth year prefect, in the top of the class.  
  
She felt someone sit beside her, but they didn't say anything and neither did she. She didn't care who it was, it could have been the devil himself, but when the person wrapped their arms around her shoulders, she leaned into their side. The comfort was slight, but it still made her feel better.  
  
After a few moments she had gained control of herself and sat up. "Thanks," she said weekly before looking up at who her secret savior was. "Peter?"  
  
"I was just plotting-er walking around, and I heard someone crying." He shrugged. "Are you okay?" He looked at her concernedly.  
  
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm sorry Peter."  
  
Peter stood, offering her a hand up. "You aren't fine. If you were fine, you wouldn't be here crying." They stood there silently for a moment before Peter surprised Lily by hugging her. "You are my friend, Lily. I don't like my friends to be upset," he told her before releasing her from the hug.  
  
She smiled at him. Friends? She might have thought of the Marauders that way a few times, but she had never really considered herself a friend of theirs. It was the four of them. They were perfect together. James, the leader. Sirius, the rebel follower. Remus, the mysterious one. Peter, the…actually, she wasn't sure what Peter was in the group.    
  
They had began walking, and Lily looked over at him. His blue eyes and brown hair didn't set him apart. No, he was very average looking. Remus had scars, Sirius had the Black good looks, and James had his hair.  
  
"Peter?" Lily questioned finally, breaking the silence that had lasted down to the fifth floor. "What's your job in your group?"  
  
"Job?" Peter asked, looking at her a little confusedly.  
  
"Yeah. James is the leader-"  
  
Peter started laughing, causing Lily to blush. "It doesn't work like that. We just…do stuff. James isn't the leader, he's just the most confident. Like Remus-er, never mind. But we all come up with things and we all play different parts at different times.  
  
Lily felt a little silly for saying what she had. But Peter  hadn't made her feel stupid for asking. "I think it's great how close you all are," she said as they continued toward the Great Hall.  
  
"Er, I guess," Peter said.  
  
After a hesitant second, Lily decided to ask another question she had been wondering. "Can I ask you something personal? Without offending you?"  
  
"'Course. What is it?"  
  
"Do you ever feel like you're in the shadows of the others? Like… like no one sees you because of them?"  
  
"No." He said before chuckling. "I wouldn't be where I am now if they hadn't been there, you know. My dad died in second year, and I just quit. They did my homework for me and everything before kicking my arse and getting me back to normal. They always push me and make me do things I didn't think I could do." He's quiet for a minute. Lily isn't sure how to respond to that revelation. "I know people don't understand our friendship, but we just fit together. We're all messed up some way, and we keep each other's secrets. It just works."  
  
They finally made it to the Great Hall. Dorcas looked up from Remus' side, startled. She quickly left the three boys and hurried over to Lily while Remus refused to let Peter take her seat.  
  
"What happened?"Dorcas asked, her dark eyes searching Lily's green ones.  
  
"What do you mean?" Lily asked.  
  
"You've been crying. You're face is a red and blotchy." Dorcas retrieved her wand from her pocket and waved it, and Lily felt her face cool. "There, you look better now. Just don't think you've gotten out of telling me what happened with Snape."  
  
Dorcas turned, expecting Lily to follow her, but realized she wasn't after a few steps. She turned and looked at Lily. "Can we sit here tonight?" Lily asked. "I don't…not right now." She glanced over at James.  
  
"Of course." So the two girls sat at the end of the table, in the same spot they had claimed at the beginning of the term . "What did he say?" Dorcas asked as Lily put some stew into her bowl.  
  
After Lily told Dorcas what happened, she felt better. She smiled at Dorcas. Dorcas sighed. "You can't just give up your friendship with the boys because he doesn't like it," she pointed out. Lily nodded. She knew that, she just needed some time to grasp what had happened.  
  
Someone plopped down on the bench in front of Dorcas. "What's going on?" Remus asked, looking paler than usual. Lily glanced out the window, noticing it was time for the full moon, tomorrow probably. Then the other three Marauders were there as well. James sat next to Lily. There really was no avoiding them anyway.  
  
"Why are you girlies down here instead of with us?" Sirius pouted. Lily rolled her eyes, but smiled anyway.  
  
"Obivously, they were talking about how cute we all are, and didn't want us to hear it," James replied. He threw a wink at Lily, causing her to blush despite what she had told Severus. It wasn't her fault she was starting to have feelings for him, was it?  
  
"Wow Dorcas," Lily said, turning to the brunette. "It seems we try to get one evening to ourselves, and the whole Army has to look for us." The boys rolled their eyes, but grinned anyway. Peter caught Lily's eye, as if asking why she was hiding whatever was bothering her. He had, after all, been her handkerchief not twenty minutes earlier.  
  
Dinner passed quickly. Severus never entered the Great Hall, but for once, Lily didn't notice. She shoved him as far from her mind as possible. She didn't understand what was happening in their relationship, and she really didn't like it. She didn't know what to do to fix it, or who had changed. Maybe they both had. All she knew was she couldn't stand not having her Sev, the boy who had first told her what she was, around. But this person wasn't that boy.  
  
The group left the table laughing at something Remus had said. In the common room they were joined by Scarlette and Eva listening to the Marauders tell of their many escapeds, some of which they weren't caught at.  
  
That night, crawling into bed, fully happy, Lily drifted to sleep quickly, something she hadn't managed to do since Christmas. Letting go of all her worried and fears, just for one eaving, had been the best decision of her life.  
  
Of course, they wouldn't stay at bay for long. The morning thunderstom brought it all crashing back down on her. She loved Saturday's though, because  it meant she had time to think about everything that had happened. Dorcas was already up and dressed, her bed made. She looked at Lily expecatly. "It's about time you woke up. It's nearly eleven."  
  
Lily slowly rolled out of bed, her body unwilling to leave the warm comfort. "Why is it raining," she asked, looking out the window. "It's January, there should be snow, not rain."  
  
"Lily," Dorcas said softly from just behind her. "Did you know Remus is a werewolf."  
  
Lily turned and faced Dorcas, unsure of what to say. She was searching for the words to say. Her friend was pale and a little frightened looking. Slowly, she nodded.  
  
"And you never told me? I'm his girlfriend. I should have known."  
  
"Put yourself in his position," Lily said, taking her friends hand and sitting back on a bed. "You know how werewolves are treated. It's worse that Squibs. He can't just tell everyone. He would have told you if you became seriously involved. I know Remus. That…that was his one  and only reason for not telling you he liked you in the first place. Who told you?"  
  
"No one," Dorcas whispered, ddespitethere being no one else around to hear what was being said. "I was going down to the common room early. I thought I might sit by the fire and do some home work. I guess they didn't see me, but the boys came down after me, probably about eight. They said they would be there after he transforms, like they had the last few times. And…that hopefully the wolf would be happier this time."The only sign of her fear were her shaking hands and low voice.  
  
"It'll be okay," Lily said. She wasn't sure what they thought they were doing, sneaking out to be with Remus under the full moon. Somehow, Lily didn't think this was a normal O.W.L.  year.


	7. Effects

Lily felt the tension in the nearly deserted common room. She had came to see why Dorcas was taking so long retrieving the book, but now she understood.  
  
Remus stood looking at her, arms crossed, while Dorcas mirrored him. "You have to understand Dorcas!"  
  
"No I don't, Lupin. I don't have to do anything. How could you…"  
  
Making sure it was loud enough to hear, Lily trampled down the rest of the stairs. "Oh, sorry guys!" she said with an apologetic face.  
  
Remus rounded on her. "How could you Lily. How could you just tell her? It wasn't time yet."   
  
Lily's mouth was open with shock. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't even tell him it hadn't been her. She had never heard Remus use that tone.  
  
"It wasn't Lily who told me!"  
  
"It certainly wasn't my friends!" Remus yelled.  
  
Lily swallowed. Wasn't his friends? Did that mean she wasn't his friend anymore? She wasn't even listening anymore, but she knew with the way they were yelling, either the whole of Gryffindor would come down, or McGonagall…or both.   
  
"Guys, we're going to get in trouble."  
  
Remus glared at her, and she could see the hurt and betrayal clearly written on his face. Dorcas sighed. "Let's just go and sleep on it, leave it for tomorrow." The three of them nodded and slowly trudged up the stairs.  
  
"Dorcas," Lily said, putting her hand on her friends arm.                                                                              
  
"Let's just sleep," Dorcas said as she crawled into the bed.   
  
 _Just when I thought life was as messed up as it was going to get._  
  
Lily didn't understand why everything was falling apart. It had been so perfect. And now it was all crashing around her.   
  
She sighed, closing her eyes and fell asleep. Maybe tomorrow would be a brighter day. She would explain to Remus what had happened and he would forgive Dorcas. Dorcas-she wasn't sure. She still wasn't sure how Dorcas felt about werewolves. She had been afraid to broach the subject, afraid it would attract unwanted attention to Remus condition.    
  
She and Dorcas woke before the other two girls and went to breakfast early. They would be pretty much alone, with only a few students awake.   
  
Of course, they had forgotten the Marauders would wake early too. They were quietly discussing something as they walked through the door, then stopped when they realized the girls were there. Dorcas just stared at Remus. He kept his gaze averted from everyone.   
  
Slowly, the Marauders turned and left the Great Hall. "It's not fair," Dorcas cried, slamming her closed fist down onto the table once the boys were out of ear shot. "What is so wrong with me knowing. I don't even understand."  
  
As she wiped her eyes, Lily realized how hurt her best friend truly was. She wrapped her arms around Dorcas, whispering to her. The words didn’t mean much, just that nothing was wrong with her knowing Remus secret, that they were just being thick.   
  
Dorcas wasn't crying, but Lily knew she needed support. When more people started coming in, they left their plates. Sundays were lazy days, so it had to be at least nine for this many people to be coming in.  
  
"What do you say to a walk around the ground?" Lily suggested as they left the Great Hall. Dorcas nodded, and soon the girls were down at the lake, under their favorite tree. Not many people were out yet because of the early hour and the muddy ground from yesterdays rain, though it seemed to be frozen at the moment.  
  
The overcast sky didn't help the gloomy mood about the girls. They didn't say much, just sat there doing nothing but looking out over the Black Lake, wondering if it was warm enough for the squid to make an appearance.  
  
"We have to talk to Remus," Dorcas said after thirty minutes of silence. "I don't care. Not now. I don't know…if I had learned the truth before, I don't know how I would have felt." She sighed. "It sounds silly…I love him, Lily."  
  
Dorcas looked right into Lily's emerald eyes, and there was no way to argue. Weather it was love or not, Dorcas believed it with her whole heart. "I don't care now, and that is what matters. I want him back."  
  
When did relationships get so complicated? When did love really come into play? Was it really just a few months ago she thought she loved Severus? And everyone knew how that had ended. She wouldn't argue though, not now.   
  
"Tell him that," she said.  
  
Dorcas shook her head. "I can't. I tried last night. It's just wouldn't come out. Then I was to angry to tell him." She swallowed. "I think we should go in. It's cold."  
  
The Marauders avoided the girls the rest of the day, and the girls avoided them. Lily didn't even know if Dorcas and Remus were still together at this point.   
  
The next day, it would be impossible to avoid each other. Remus was missing, as usual, but the other three gave the girls cold shoulders. It wasn't until diner that the girls decided they would have to talk to Remus before the others.   
  
Remus didn't show up until halfway through the first class of the day two days later. Lily and Dorcas tried and tried to get to him, to talk to him, but he left each class quickly, not even waiting on the other three boys. The Marauders didn't show up for lunch or dinner either. Of course, they would stick to the kitchens.  
  
The pair waits in the common room for the foursome to show up, but it never does. The common room is nearly empty when the girls realize they must be in their dorm and climb the stairs, finding the door that says 5th years.  
  
They stand outside it for a moment, gathering their courage to open the door. Dorcas reaches out first and throws the door open, causing it to slam against the wall.  
  
A silent stare is shared before the four boys stand. Remus reaches the door first. "Just don't tell anyone. Please. And…"  
  
But he can't finish his sentence. Dorcas grabbed his face in her hands and forcefully pressed her lips to his. No one was expecting that. After a moment, she pulls away from him. "I love you Remus," she whispers before running down the stairs.   
  
Lily looks at the group with wide eyes before chasing after her friend. Remus is still in the same position as when Dorcas released him, and the other three's expressions mirrored her own. Then her feet thundered down the steps as she ran out of the boy's dorms. Dorcas was curled up on the couch, her face on her arms and her hair a curtain around it.   
  
Lily sat next to her and pulled her off the arm of the chair and into her arms. How their positions had switched in such a short time. Dorcas was crying this time. Lily stroked her back and hair while she did. It seemed strange that Remus hadn't followed them down. But who knew what happened when Lily left the boys dorm.   
  
After a while, Dorcas sat up. Her eyes were red, but that was the only sign she had been crying. "Come on," Lily said, taking her hand and leading her to their dorm. They both curled up on Lily's bed and pulled the curtains around them.   
  
"Why did I do that?" Dorcas whispered. She was leaned up against Lily's headboard, holding a pillow tightly across her stomach as if it would protect her. "Why did I have to kiss him? To say that? He's probably…" she half-heartedly punches the mattress.   
  
Lily wasn't sure what to say. She licked her lips and took a deep breath. "You know, I think we should go back."  
  
Dorcas looked at Lily like she was crazy. "No," she shook her head. "I can't. I can't look at him after that."  
  
"How are you going to manage classes tomorrow?" Lily asked. It was an obvious question. They were all fifth years, all Gryffindors. They would be impossible to completely ignore.  
  
Dorcas sighed as she slides off the bed. "Let's go." She doesn't look confident like usual, but Lily can still see the determined spark in her friends eyes.  
  
They walk down the steps and are nearly to the stairs leading to the boys dorm when they both stop. Lily can feel her pulse beating quickly, and she's positive Dorcas' is the same. They slowly climb the stairs and knock on the door.  
  
Remus opens it, and everyone is silent for a few moments. "We need to talk," he says after what seems like an age. His eyes are only on Dorcas.


	8. The Talk

The six of them situate themselves on the four beds as best they can. Lily ends up sitting with Peter on his bed, while James and Sirius share one and Dorcas and Remus are on one by themselves. No one really knows where to start.  
  
Lily gathers her courage and looks at Remus. "I didn't tell her."  
  
Dorcas picked up before the others could say anything. "I just heard you lot talking about it."  
  
"And…you don't care?" Remus asked, looking only at Dorcas.  
  
"No. I don't. I meant what I said, Remus. I don't throw words around lightly."  
  
Silence again. It's a little awkward, but at the same time, no one wants to say anything to break it. It takes a few more minutes, but finally Remus starts talking again. "I was afraid…Most people would run in fear."  
  
"I'm not most people." Dorcas sighed. "And…to be honest, I don't know how I would have felt if I had learned before. But now, I don't care." She just looked at him. "I'm not even angry at you for not telling me. I just-" she shook her head.   
  
After that, the discussion seems to be over. It was different that what Lily had thought it would be. Remus moved over and sat next to Dorcas. The two of them started talking in low voices, which the other four took to mean they were free.  
  
James and Sirius moved to the bed with Peter and Lily, pulling out a pack of Exploding Snap. Lily couldn't help glancing over at Remus and Dorcas, and when she saw him brush his and along her cheek, it was all she could do not to grin. They were going to be just fine.  
  
After about three more rounds, Lily excused herself. She told Dorcas she was just going to the dorm to do some homework. Charms papers don't write themselves, after all. She had just settled in when she realized she needed a reference book. She wouldn't be able to write a foot with what information was provided in the class text.  
  
She sighed, not wanting to move from her just found comfortable position, but moved anyway. She made a short trip to the library and darted to the Charms section, not wanting to be here longer than she needed to. The library was one of Severus' favorite haunts, and she wasn't up to dealing with him at the moment.  
  
Not that fate cared. He was in the first aisle she went down. Naturally. "Hey Sev," she said quietly. "Research for your Charms paper?"  
  
He looked over at her. "Yeah. " Normally, she didn't care that his expressions weren't as open as most peoples, but now it bothered her. What was he thinking? They just looked at each other for a few  minutes.  
  
She was tense. "How are you?" she finally managed to get out.   
  
"Normal," he shrugged.   
  
"Yeah, me too." It was so awkward. She finally finds the book she needed and turns to him. "Umm…well, I'll see you around, I guess." She turned to leave when he stopped her.  
  
"Lily, wait." She doesn't turn around, but she stopped walking. "I'm…sorry. I know you would never do anything with Potter. I didn't mean to hurt you."  
  
She closes her eyes. He doesn't know her as well as he thinks. She has done stuff with Potter. Not that she would tell him that. "You didn't mean to? It seemed like that was your goal. Words hurt, Sev." She turned to face him. "I don't know how you said those things to me. I know you don't like them, but I don't like your friends either, and I manage to see past that. So should you."  
  
"I'm sorry, Lily. I really am." He swallows. "I love you."  
  
She sighed. "I love you to Sev," she said. "I just…I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore."  
  
"I'm the same person I've always been," he tells her. "Always." He looks at her for a moment. Before she can react, he kisses her and is gone.  
  
She blinks. Why had he kissed her? They were through. He knew that. Did he think that she had meant she loved him in a different way? But she had explained it on the train. She slowly made her way back to Gryffindor Tower.  
  
As she settled back down on her bed, Dorcas entered the dorm. "Remus and I are all settled," she said with a grin before furrowing her brow. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"No," Lily said.   
  
"Don't lie to me, Lily."  
  
She caved. She told Dorcas everything, all her fears, her feelings about James, what had happened in the Library, how she didn't understand what was happening.  
  
Dorcas said nothing, because there was nothing to be said. The two of them sat there, eventually starting homework. They stopped when Scarlette and Eva came in, and they all talked about class, boys, Dorcas and Remus, and just Hogwarts life in general.  
  
Just as they were settling down for bed, someone knocks on their dorm door. Perplexed, Eva answered it to reveal a slightly frightened first year. "There's a boy asking for Lily Evans downstairs."  
  
After thanking her, the other girls tease Lily for a few moments about it before she rolls her eyes and goes down stairs. She's surprised to see James there in a nearly empty common room. There are a few first years who seem to be trying to practice lessons, a few seventh years studying, but nearly everyone else is gone.  
  
"I thought we should talk, now that Remus and Dorcas' problem is settled," he told her.   
  
Talk. There seemed to be a lot of that happening lately. Everyone needed to talk. Why couldn't it all be like last year and everyone be normal?  
  
"Okay," she agreed, sitting on the couch in front of the fire. "What are we talking about?"  
  
"Christmas. I've…I have wanted to talk about it but…it's hard to just bring up. What does that make us?"  
  
She had expected this sooner, but it had crossed her mind several times. "James, I don't know. Maybe…" she sighed and looked at him. "We're just becoming friends. And I really like you. I just don't want you to end up like Severus. I mean, he use to be my best friend, now I can barely look at him without getting angry." She swallowed.   
  
"So…that was all nothing?" He looked hurt.  
  
"Yes? No. I don't know. I'm sorry." She was fighting tears now. "I really like you, I do. And I want to say yes. I want to be  _more_  but I don't at the same time. I like what we have here now."  
  
He nodded. "I understand," he said.   
  
She bit her lip and took his hand in hers. "I really do like you. I'm just so confused right now. Let's let things settle down first, okay?"  
  
"Okay," he said with a smile.   
  
But despite what she had just said, she pecked him on the lips before running to her dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm reading over this as I post if from the other site I had it on, and guys, I realize it isn't the best think I've written, and yeah, I see a lot that can be improved upon. I'm sure you all see it too, though, but you may see things I don't, so when you notice something, point it out. I won't get offended, I promise.  
> Love,  
> Akko


	9. O.W.L.'s

The professors started to really pile on the work load. The fifth years soon found themselves studying and doing homework at every spare moment. When the pamphlets appeared in the common room so students could think of what they wanted to further their education and do, Lily started panicking.   
  
What was she going to do? Yes, she was good at potions, but she didn't think that she wanted to make them her whole life. She didn't particularly find it fun. There was so many options. Gringots, The Daily Prophet, Dragon Handler, Sales, Ministry.   
  
She smiled when Peter said he thought he would try for The Prophet. She knew he would be great at that. And it was no surprise when James wanted to be an Auror. Dorcas did as well, and that didn't surprise her either. Her friend was a fighter.   
  
"I may be a laywer," she said to Dorcas, when they were in the dorm looking for over some. "It would be great. You catch them, I try them."  
  
The girl grinned before Lily through the pamphlet behind her. Lawyer wasn't really her interest. "I just don't know," she groaned, falling back onto the bed. "This is so stupid."  
  
"I think you would be a brilliant teacher," Dorcas told her. "You help everyone. You should teach."  
  
Lily smiled. "That'll be the day. Can you see Dumbledore hiring someone he used to be Headmaster of?"  
  
"Well, he taught McGonagall, and she is here, isn't she?"  
  
Teaching? Lily hadn't really thought of that, but it would be nice. She could do it, she thought. But…she'd be away from her future family for so long…  
  
"Na, I'm not teacher material."   
  
"Hmmm. Look. The Ministry is looking for more people for so many different divisions. Why don't you try one of them?  
  
Lily nodded. "Why do we do it this year anyway?" she complained. She knew, of course. The classes had to be picked for next year.  
  
"Let's just quite for now," Dorcas said, tossing her pamphlet  as Lily had done. "I'm tired of looking at them."  
  
So they lounged in the Common Room the rest of the night. It was a full moon, so while the other three Marauders sulked in their dorm all night (something the girls would never understand) and Remus did whatever it was he did, they sat by the fire. They had been studying, but the books lay forgotten, closed and pushed into the corner and the Lily and Dorcas lay flat of their backs in front of the fire.  
  
The peace was interrupted suddenly when the Portrait hole swung open and James and Sirius stormed in. It was obvious they were furious at each other. They paid no attention to the girls, just went straight to their dorm.   
  
They were shocked that the two hadn't been in the dorm in the first place, but that they were angry with each other made any other detail seem insignificant. It wasn't like the usual argument between friends. It was…deeper. It was a real issue.  
  
After that, the girls couldn't stay in the Common Room and went up to bed to sleep, quietly discussing what could have happened.  
  
The next day told all, though it came from an unusual source. Snape cornered Lily when she was leaving breakfast alone from the Great Hall. Dorcas was worried about Remus and hadn't wanted to come down to breakfast. The three Marauders  were a solemn bunch that morning. A very uncomfortable looking Peter was sitting between James and Sirius.  
  
Sirius kept throwing both of them looks, though Lily couldn't quite tell if they were angry or sorrowful, or some strange mix of the two.  
  
After quickly eating her breakfast, she was going to go study some more when Severus stopped her. "You see now what a Monster he is, don't you?" Severus had an almost manic glemm in his eyes.   
  
"Who?" Lily asked calmly, though her pulse spead up. Of course, he thought Remus was a werewolf, had for a while. But…this seemed different.  
  
"Lupin is a werewolf Lily. Black told me I could find all I needed to know if I followed the path under the Whomping Willow. I saw him transformed before Potter chickened out of their little prank and 'saved' me. They tried to kill me, Lily."  
  
Lily fought to keep her expression calm. "You're wrong Sev. Remus isn't a monster. He's one of the nicest people I know."  
  
"It's just a cover," he hissed.  
  
Again, that rage at him swelled up in her. She didn't know what set it off, or why she was angry, but it was there. "Get over it. You are  _wrong._ Let it go." With that, she stalked off, ignoring everything he said to her retreating back.  
  
Of course, that didn't mean she didn't believe him. How could they have done that. Especailly James. She thought they were better than that. To endanger someone's  _life_  for a thrill was one step to far. No, this was it. It wasn't Remus' fault. At least, she hopped he wasn't in on it. She doubted that he was, since he is so determined to not tell anyone. As far as she knew, the words "I'm a werewolf" had never left his mouth before someone told him they knew.  
  
No, Remus had no part of it, she was sure. Except to be part of the show. Peter, she wasn't sure about. It was so unlike Peter to betray someone like that…but it wasn't like James or Sirius either. At least, she hadn't thought it was.  
  
The instant she made it to the Fifth year girls dorm, Dorcas asked her what was wrong.   
  
Her face was pale and she couldn't help the flood of words that fell from her mouth. She told Dorcas what Severus had said, and what she had said to him. Dorcas didn't know what to say after Lily finished. It wasn't something a response came easy to.   
  
They eventually decided to not talk to the boys, save Remus. If James and Sirius planned this, there was no doubt, after they reasoned it out, that Peter hadn't known about it. Remus seemed to know what had happened when he was released from the Hospital Wing. But he tried to explain to the girls why he still sat with them, that James really  _had_  saved Severus.   
  
They wouldn't listen. It wasn't because they were stubborn or refused to see the truth, but because of how easily Remus ended up forgiving Sirius. Just like that, he was back in the fold. He may sit a little farther away for now, but he was still there.  
  
 Because of this, Dorcas and Remus stop spending so much time together. It hurts Dorcas, Lily can see it. She doesn't like it so much either. But she didn't see any ill effects for Sirius revealing Remus' secret to Severus.  
  
Severus refused to talk to Lily. She tried to talk to him, but he would shake his head, saying if she couldn’t believe him in something when he had  _proof_  how would she believe anything he said.  
  
Since they had stopped spending so much time with Eva and Scarlett, they were surprised when the two girls talked about the four of them going to the next Hogsmeade trip together. Remus and Dorcas was all but broken up. So they agreed.  
  
A few weeks turned into months, and with studying, career counseling, and everything else, the girls had very little time to wonder where the time had gone. It was the end of the year, time to sit exams and be released for summer.  
  
History of Magic. Charms. Transfiguration. Defence Against the Dark Arts. Lily grinned at that one and thought of Remus. If any of the four of them missed that question…  
  
She wondered afterward, though, how she had done. Some stuff from first year she couldn't remember at all. Why were Red Caps called Red Caps again? They were dark creatures, and it had something to do with that, but she couldn't remember. She was walking along, pondering how she had done, when she saw Severus hanging in the air by his ankle.


	10. One Word

Her  heart beat faster. Her breathing became short. Her feet pounded through the halls as she ran away from them all. That one word reverberated in her head. Mudblood. Mudblood. That was what he thought of her.   
  
She stopped, short of breath and the stitch in her side nearly unbearable, in that same spot Peter had comforted her in months ago now. She hated that stupid picture on the other side. She hated the floor. She hated her tears, the fact that he could still get to her like that.   
  
He was her best friend. She still thought of him that way. But that…that was unforgivable. How he could have done such a thing. What sort of people do that? Wasn't his father enough for him? He was becoming like the reverse of his father. Severus didn't despise magic, he despised Muggles.  
  
She should have saw it long ago. She knew he'd used the word. She had simply ignored it. He was her best friend. How could he!   
  
She felt so betrayed. His face, his eyes, when he had said it. There was no doubt that he meant it.   
  
It almost felt like de ja vu when someone sat beside her. She knew she was sobbing. This had been coming, she knew it had been, but it still wasn't fair! Why now, when she wasn't even talking to Potter? Why?  
  
She had no clue who it was beside her. It could have been McGonagall, or Filtch, or Peter, or even the cause of her sorrow himself, but she didn't care. She kept her knees drawn up to her stomach, her arms wapped around them, and her head resting on her arms  
  
But she had to tell whoever this was. It just had to get out. "He was my best friend," she said between gasps for air. "He meant the world to me. He…"she doesn't know what else to say. There isn't anything else to say. He had ruined it.   
  
Mudblood. One word. One small, insignificant word. Two syllables. Eight letters. And a huge meaning behind it.   
  
An arm wrapped around her. She looked over at her companion to see James. She didn't care about her anger at him before. He was here now, he was here for her. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. It seemed to help her calm down, so she didn't move even after she had stopped crying. James didn't say a word. They were awkwardly placed, since they were sitting next to each other, but he still managed to stroke her hair.  
  
After a few more minutes, Lily realized exactly what she was doing and moved. Her face was blotchy and red but she didn't care. She felt whipped clean of any possible emotion. Just as she was about to tell him she was sorry, he raised his hand to her cheek. His hazel eyes found hers as he shook his head. "He shouldn't have said that. That…that was disgusting."   
  
"What do you call what you did?" she asked him, jerking away from his kindness of the moment. "You were hanging him by his ankle, embarrassing him in front of the entire school."  
  
"You can't blame me for what he said," James said, startled by the sudden change.  
  
"No, I can't. I don't. I blame you for what you did!" she said, her voice raising slightly.   
  
"Do you think he wouldn't do it to us if he had the chance?" James defended.  
  
"I don't care." She was properly yelling now. "You're arrogant. You.."she fought for a word before finding the perfect one, "strut around the castle like you own the place."  
  
"No I—"  
  
"I'm done with you James. You and all the bloody "Marauders.' Just leave me alone." She spun around, not caring where she went. She didn't know what to do with herself. It was hard enough with what Severus had said, but now  _she_  had cut herself off from some of the people would could have possibly made her feel better.  
  
She wanted to punch a wall, when she raised her fist to do so, she knew it would do nothing for a release. She didn't even think she was angry. She didn't know what she was. She was feeling so many things at so many people.  
  
She needed something to do. Something that would calm her down.  She just didn't know what that was. Her arms felt weird, like she really needed to do something with them. She finally decided to write a letter to her mum and tell her about her and Severus' falling out. It wasn't fair, but then, who said it was?   
  
By the time Dorcas and Remus made it back to the common room, Lily had calmed down. She was just singing the letter when she looked up. "Hi," she said. She waved her wand over the parchment so it would dry and rolled it up. "How are you guys?"  
  
She was glad they had mended their relationship. Remus was pale and still slightly sick looking, but he was grinning anyway. Lily couldn't help it, her smile fell. She has told James she was through with  _all_ the Marauders.   
  
Maybe she wouldn't be through with them. But she didn't know what else to do. This wasn't like when Petuina and she would fight when they were small, before Lily knew the truth behind what she could do. This was something that could really mess up a relationship.   
  
Lily didn't know what to think. She was angry at James and angry at Severus. Remus hadn't had anything to do with it-they were prefects together, and he did try to follow the rules a bit more. He hadn't stopped it though.  
  
"Is something wrong, Lily?" Remus asked. Before Lily could answer, Dorcas let go of his hand and told him she'd talk to him later. She grabbed Lily's hand and dragged her up the stairs to their dorm . After a glance around to make sure no one was there, she forced Lily down onto a bed.  
  
Everything poured out of her. Dorcas didn't say anything. Lily wasn't crying, just telling her everything she had kept bottled up for so long. When she finished, Lily looked at Dorcas expectantly.  
  
Dorcas sighed. "I say do what you want. We're growing up, and these things happen I guess. We change. I had no idea Severus had said that to you. Remus didn't say a word about it. And I'm sure he would be furious if he knew everything else. But don't cut them out just yet. Like I said, people change and grow. Maybe James will grow up."  
  
Lily nodded. They sat in silence for a while before Dorcas decided she needed to go down stairs to sooth Remus' nerves. Lily went as well, not wanting to be left alone.  
  
Of course, the four marauders were all seated together, but they perked up when Lily and Dorcas walked over.   
  
"I'm sorry," Lily said, looking directly at James. "I shouldn't have said that, and I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay," replied James.   
  
"No, it's not. I still want to be friends." She held his gaze for a long time. Friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.


	11. Fin

Summer was strange. James owled her weekly at worst. Her mum and dad told her to bring him round, but she was afraid to. It had just been last break that she had kissed him, and she wasn't sure what to make of that still.  
  
Ruby, of course, understood why Severus and Lily weren't hanging out that summer. Lily had cried when talking to Ruby about it. Ruby understood completely, though. She told Lily that part of growing up is realizing that people change. Even those you thought would stick by you until the end. Sometimes it's your very best friend who stabs you in the back.  
  
Dorcas and Lily got together at least once a week, with Dorcas complaining about not being able to see Remus and that he barely even wrote back. Petunia's wedding to Vernon (Lily was shocked. Wedding! Petunia was actually still with that guy?) was that summer too. Lily was a last minute Bride's Maid. The wedding was beautiful, even if her sister still acted coldly to it.  
  
It was the wedding that made her decided it was time to introduce James to her family. He and Sirius (did you ever have one without the other?) both wore very muggle suits.  
  
"You boys look so handsome," Ruby told them as they both danced with her. "I can see why Lily keeps you around."  
  
At that, Lily's eyes widened as her face flushed. "Mum," she half-whispered. Ruby only laughed.  
  
Petunia, or couse, didn't like either James or Sirius. Sirius was to scruffy and rough-around-the-edges for her. Sirius laughed when Lily explained why Petunia was acting like a Slytherin. "If only she could see my familys mansion. But you know, they'd just as soon kill her, so that may not be a great idea."   
  
He smiled, though she knew it was fake this time. "Please, Sirius, mansion, smansion." She waved her hand in front of her face, as if it wasn't a big deal. "What importance is that when you have me."  
  
"Oh so you're the most important thing in my life," he said. "I understand."  
  
"And for that I am glad. You can be really think."  
  
She couldn't believe she had really thought of getting rid of the marauders. And she saw them all (except Remus) so much over the summer that when they met on the Hogwarts Express, there wasn't much to say except hello.   
  
Dorcas and Remus were in their own little world (so cute that you've lasted this long!" Lily whispered to Dorcas) for most of the ride, so it was only Peter, James, Sirius, and Lily really talking.   
  
"Lily," James said, swallowing. "I…I don't want to make you angry," he said. Sirius was asleep, Peter had gone to find a bathroom, and Dorcas and Remus had gone for a walk.  
  
"Okay," she said, unsure of where he was going with it.  
  
"It's just…I didn't  mean to upset you at the end of last term. And maybe I shouldn't have asked you out in front of the entire school like that. I'm sorry for it."  
  
"It's okay," she told him. She wasn't angry anymore, not really. She still resented it a little, but it was easy for her to look past.  
  
James gave her a small smile. "But I wanted to know if you would date me now?"  
  
Lily looked around the compartment. Would she date him? She had to admit, she did have feelings for him, but she still wasn't sure.  
  
"I…like you a lot," she said. "I really do. I mean, I still remember Christmas well. And I can't say that I don't want to date you. I just…don't know."  
  
"Still stuck on Snape?" James asked. He didn't sound bitter or spit the name.   
  
She shook her head. "No, it's not that."  
  
"I won't hurt you, Lily. I swear to it. I love you."  
  
She looked at him, blinking. "I can't say that. I can't say I love you."  
  
"That's okay, you don't have too. I'd rather you didn't at this point, to be honest. I just want you to be my exclusive girlfriend."  
  
She slowly found herself nodding. "Yeah, I'd like that," she said with a smile.  
  
Of course, everyone could tell something was different when they walked in and James was sitting beside Lily. And when Dorcas saw their clasped hands, she squealed.  
  
James Potter had finally won Lily Evans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it. So, after reading through this again, I've realized it really isn't the best thing I've ever written. I hope you liked it anyway, thank you for making it to the end! Let me know what you think, and have a wonderful day!


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